


A Thoroughly Unwelcome Proposal

by LD_Little_Dragon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-15 02:45:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2212806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LD_Little_Dragon/pseuds/LD_Little_Dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A post HBP twisted version of the 'WIKTT Marriage Law Challenge' fics: Snape gets caught by the Ministry's new law when a Weasley does a very, very bad thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: all characters, settings, etc. are taken from the JK Rowling's Harry Potter novels and belong to her. I am not getting paid for any of this,and am writing purely for the fun of it.
> 
> (Yes, this is Post HPB: it's influenced by, but obviously not true to, the Marriage Law Challenge.)
> 
> Canon to Book Six, *AU to Book Seven and Pottermore
> 
> *most events in Book Seven will work with this story, if you squint a little, don't read the epilogue, and imagine a slightly lower death count

**Hogwarts Staff Meeting, Thursday Sept 3, 1998**

"In conclusion, I will repeat my plea to treat the returning students with compassion and restraint. Many of them were affected by the final battle last year, and may still have difficulties dealing with those events," Headmistress McGonagall said, staring straight over her glasses at Professor Snape. Every member of the staff swivelled in their seats to look at the dark-haired man, who appeared to be trying his best to disappear into the wall he was leaning against.

Snape scowled, causing more than one prying eye to flinch and look away. "I won't coddle the brats, Minerva."

"I fought with the Hogwarts board to allow me to re-instate you as DADA professor," McGonagall said sternly. "Don't let that be a mistake on my part. Behave yourself, Severus."

"Don't I always?" he answered with a sneer. "If there is no more official staff business, I will be only too glad to take my leave."

"One moment, Professor," McGonagall said. "We should discuss the 'Muggle-born Marriage Law' the Ministry seems poised to pass."

"Whatever for?" Snape growled. "We're a school; Education is our concern, not matrimony. Besides, fighting the law would give your beloved Gryffindor Heroes something to do."

"Anything that affects our students is our business," McGonagall answered. "Even if it wasn't; the very idea of forcing Muggle-born witches to wed pure-blood suitors is abhorrent. There must be a better way to stop the inbreeding of the pure-bloods that threatens the wizarding world."

"Well, what can we do about it?" Pomfrey, Hogwarts medical witch, asked.

"I thought we could start with a public statement to the Ministry by the staff of Hogwarts, about how absurd, and just wrong, this law would be," McGonagall said. "We were all involved in Voldemort's defeat, and our names will lend a great weight to the opponents of this law."

Most of the staff were nodding in agreement, but Snape was trying to edge towards the door. "Where are you going, Severus?" McGonagall said when she spotted him.

"You don't want my name on the petition," he snarled. "Half the wizarding world still thinks I was a loyal Death Eater, who turned tail at the last moment, and the other half just wants to pretend I don't exist."

"He's right," Rolanda Hooch, flying instructor, said as she winked at the DADA teacher. "It would probably be better if Severus threw his support behind the proposed law."

"There'd be a mad scramble by all his past students to denounce the law," Sinistra chortled.

Snape gave the assembly a look of utter disgust, before stalking out of the room, black robes swishing behind him.

"Seriously," Hooch said. "I wouldn't worry about it, Headmistress. The law is so blatantly sexist that no woman on the council will vote for it."

"No married man, either," Slughorn, the blissfully single Potions master, added. "Their wives would kill them."

**The Gryffindor Heroes, Saturday Oct 24**

Ron Weasley, Auror in training (courtesy of a Ministerial Decree that granted a passing grade in their N.E.W.T.S to all Hogwarts students who fought in The Battle of Hogwarts), was lounging in his armchair, intently reading, when he heard a noise from the fireplace. He looked up to see his fiancee, Hermione Granger, come in through the Floo Network. His face turned as red as his hair when he quickly dropped the Quidditch magazine in his hands, and reached for a textbook. Ron could not stop Hermione from using the Floo Network, but secretly wished his flatmates, Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Finally-Killed-You-Know-Who, and Neville Longbottom, The-Boy-Who-Was-There-When-It-Counted, would have the nerve to restrict Hermione's Floo privileges.

Hermione flicked an amused glance at the upside-down book in Ron's hands, and then strode towards him with a look of fury in her eyes. "I can't believe the Ministry is actually going through with that inane 'Marriage Law'," she exclaimed.

Ron breathed an audible sigh of relief that Hermione was not going to start lecturing him about his study habits. "Oy! Harry, get in here, mate. 'Mione's found another cause to champion," he yelled, and then stood up, brushed some crumbs off the chair, and gallantly waved to Hermione to take a seat.

"If everyone's decent; I'm coming through," Ginny called from the fireplace, where her head was floating, eyes firmly shut. She still had nightmares from accidentally appearing in the middle of the 'clothes optional' party the boys had thrown when they first rented the place.

"Just get in here, Ginny," Hermione said.

"Hi, Ron," his sister said brightly. "Sorry I didn't warn you, but Hermione just couldn't wait to come over. I don't see why she's so upset, this whole thing could wind up being a lot of fun."

"I'm up for some fun," Harry said, stumbling into the living room, vainly trying to get his hair to lie flat, and straightening his rumpled clothes.

"Harry!" Hermione scolded. "If you didn't stay up all night, you wouldn't have to sleep in the middle of the day."

"Yes, Mother," Harry said as he slumped into a chair. "Why are you girls here?"

"They passed that abominable 'Marriage Law'," Hermione exclaimed as she dropped a copy of the new law onto Harry's lap.

"Really? Mum was quite certain the women would never let it pass the vote," Ron said.

"They made some changes," Ginny said, grinning as she pointed out some red-circled paragraphs on the parchment Harry was reading. "See? Any pure-blood male **or female** can petition to marry a Muggle-born or half-blood. The petitioned person can't refuse to marry the pure-blood."

"That means you, Harry," Hermione said, stating the obvious.

"Bloody bollocks," Harry responded, suddenly wide awake as he stood up and grabbed the paper out of Ron's hands. "I can't get married yet, especially since it says there's a cursed fidelity charm involved. I'll never have fun again."

"Oh relax," Ginny said. "See this section here? As long as the petitioned witch, or wizard, is still in school or an apprentice program they don't have to get married."

"So, I'm safe as long as I'm in Auror training," Harry said, beginning to relax.

"Just think, Harry," Ron said dreamily. "Dozens, no hundreds, of gorgeous women all wanting to marry the saviour of the wizarding world. And you get to choose which petitioner you marry so they'll all be anxious to show you what they have to offer, if you catch my meaning."

"Ron!" Hermione scolded. "Don't worry, Harry, we'll have this law repealed long before you finish training."

"And if not," Ron said, smirking in Hermione's direction. "You can always switch careers, Healer training or something, and extend the good times."

"Like I said," Ginny remarked. "This could be fun."

**Hogwarts Great Hall, Breakfast Monday Oct 26**

The room was filled with excited voices, all discussing the new Marriage Law. The general air was one of disbelief, and some dismay from the older students, especially the ones who had no plans to apprentice after leaving Hogwarts.

"I do feel sorry for the poor dears," Pomfrey said. "What a terrible time to be a Muggle-born or half-blood."

"It's not a good time to be a pure-blood, either," Slughorn sighed. "Poor Miss Lorne and Mr. Dune are devastated."

"Why?" Pomfrey asked.

"I think they're daft, but they had planned to get married right after they graduate," Slughorn explained. "This new law aims to force pure-bloods to enter into mixed marriages and absolutely forbids marriage between two pure-bloods."

"Oh dear, I hadn't noticed that part," she declared. "It practically guarantees even the most traditional pure-bloods will consider petitioning, if it's the only way to get a legal heir."

"I know," McGonagall said. "Rest assured, all the resources of Hogwarts will go towards repealing this awful law."

Snape snorted at this statement. "Not that again, Minerva. How many times do I have to say this is not a Hogwarts concern?"

"Have you no compassion?" Pomfrey said.

"For who?" Snape said, raising an eyebrow. "If you consider this rationally, it may actually be beneficial to the mixed bloods."

"Nonsense, my boy," Slughorn sputtered. "In what possible way could they benefit from forced marriage?"

"Not the matrimonial aspects," Snape explained. "The part about after school apprenticeships delaying the marriages. I do believe the next generation of dolts will be forced to learn something useful, whether they will or no."

"Yes, I daresay no young student will leave Hogwarts before their seventh year," McGonagall said, smirking when Snape frowned at the realization that even the worst students would stay to plague him in his sixth and seventh year classes.

Further discussion was curtailed by the arrival of an owl that flew over to Snape. He scowled as he took a distinctively sealed envelope from the bird, and shooed it away.

"Severus!" Hooch said, leaning forwards to look at the letter her colleague had received. "That's an official Ministry envelope."

"Oh Merlin," the Muggle Studies teacher murmured. "That's why Snape's not worried about the new law. The lecherous man's gone and put in a petition for some poor Muggle-born already."

"Don't be foolish," McGonagall said, fury in her voice. "Professor Snape would never do anything like that, even if he was a pure-blood."

"Snape, er, Professor Snape is not a pure-blood?" Hooch asked with evident surprise.

Snape, who had been oblivious to the conversation around him, finished reading his letter. His pale face turned red, and he stood up with such a look of ferocity that several of the students nearly fainted when they saw him. "How dare they do this to me! I ... I have an Order of Merlin!"

"Second class," Hooch murmured, not quite loud enough for Snape to hear her.

"I won't stand for this!" Snape said. "The nerve of that ... that little chit."

"Severus, what's wrong?" McGonagall said, standing up and moving towards Snape.

"None of your business, Minerva," he answered. "Think, Severus, think. Arthur Weasley, he works for the Ministry. I'll make him put a stop to this travesty. Or else."

"Severus! You have classes!" McGonagall yelled, with scant dignity, as Snape turned and fairly ran out of the Hall.

"Cancel them!" he bellowed back. "I have a date with a Weasley."

"My goodness," Pomfrey said, her eyes wide. "It seems impossible, but I think some witch has petitioned to marry Severus!"

"But why would anyone want to marry that horrid man?" the Muggle Studies teacher asked.

"Oh, I don't know," Hooch said thoughtfully. "He's not the handsomest of men, but he's got a lovely arse."

"Madam Hooch, that's an inexcusably disrespectful thing to say," McGonagall said, sitting down with a look that bordered between mirth and horror on her face.

"It's true, though," Hooch cackled. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed, Minerva."

"I most certainly have **not** ," McGonagall said, and pushed her glasses primly up her nose, but she was unable to hide the slight blush that crept over her cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Burrow, Mid-morning Monday Oct 26**

Molly Weasley was looking at her floors, wondering if anyone would notice if she did not clean them and lounged in her chair listening to the wireless instead, when someone knocked on the door. She opened the door, expecting to see some solicitor, only to find a flustered, wild-eyed man staring down at her.

"Professor Snape?" she exclaimed, taking a step backwards.

Snape must have noticed Molly's reaction to his appearance, because he took a deep breath, flicked some dust off his robes, and then spoke with deliberate calmness. "Good day, Mrs. Weasley. Is Mr. Weasley here?"

"Arthur's at work," Molly answered, still watching Snape with a worried expression.

"Work?" he said, beginning to look agitated again.

"Yes, work," she answered. "It is Monday."

"Of course," he said with a nod. "Mr. Weasley is at the Ministry then?"

"No," Molly said slowly. "Arthur's in the field today. What is this about? Is it ... is it Order business?"

"No, it's a personal matter," Snape answered, and then glared at Molly with suspicion. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about this abominable marriage petition sent to me, would you?"

"Marriage petition!" she exclaimed. "You!"

"You needn't be that surprised," he muttered, running a hand nervously through his shoulder-length black hair. "There have been one or two females who found me somewhat less than repellent."

"Oh, I didn't mean it like that," Molly said, although it was evident she had. "It's just too soon. I mean, the law was just passed on Friday. Why, yours may very well be the first petition entered."

"I'm flattered," he said dryly. "Tell Mr. Weasley to expect a visit from me this evening. I want a way out of this contract."

**The Gryffindor Heroes, Lunch Monday Oct 26**

"What's the big news?" Ron asked excitedly, barely remembering to swallow his food first, when Hermione came to join him, Harry, Neville, and news reporter Luna Lovegood for lunch.

"And hello to you, too," she said. "Give me a moment to eat, first. I'm starved."

"Oy, Hermione," Neville said some time later, when Hermione was half-way through a sandwich and still keeping mum. "Quit trying to build suspense, you're the one who asked us to come and hear some 'incredible, disturbing Marriage Law news'."

"Yes," Luna said, her eyes shining as she pulled out a notebook and quill. "Something scandalous you hinted at. Details! I want details!"

"Oh alright," Hermione said, smirking slightly. "Mrs. Weasley called Ginny to gossip this morning, and I was fortunate enough to be there. You'll never guess who got a petition first thing this morning."

"We're not guessing," Ron snapped when Hermione waited for a response. "Just tell us."

"Professor Snape!" she admitted, smiling smugly at the shocked looks that greeted her announcement. "Can you believe it? And he's not too happy about it, either. Molly said he looked absolutely distraught. Practically ordered her to have Arthur meet him tonight to discuss the Law."

"What!" Harry exclaimed, a look of horror on his face. "That ... that greasy git got an offer before I did? Oh Merlin, how humiliating."

"Harry!" Hermione scolded. "This is serious. Professor Snape can't put the marriage off like you can. He'll have to get married within thirty days. It's a terrible tragedy."

"If he doesn't want to get married; he'll have to leave the country," Neville mused, and a dreamy smile spread over his face. "No more Snape, ever again."

"You people are horrid," Hermione said, scowling at both Harry and Neville. "If you can't feel sympathy for the Professor, you should think of the other poor souls who will be in his situation. Forced marriage; it's tantamount to slavery. Why, if I wasn't already engaged to Ron it could be me getting one of those horrid petitions. We have to put a stop to the whole sordid business. That's why you're all going to help me set up the Anti-Marriage Law Association. A. M. L. A."

"AMLA?" Ron said with surprise. "Sounds tame, it doesn't have the flare that SPEW did."

"Will you stop bringing S. P. E. W. up?" Hermione groaned. "That was years ago, and it had no similarities to A. M. L. A."

"AMLA, fighting for the rights and freedoms of all wizarding folks," Luna mused, nibbling on the end of her quill. "If I write this up properly, all the talk in wizarding Britain tomorrow will be about the Law and its abuses. I know; I'll feature different victims each issue to humanize the suffering. Starting with Snape."

"Bad idea," Neville said. "Snape's not exactly the sympathetic type. You know what my first reaction to his 'predicament' was? How can I put this? Bwaaaaaaa hahaha!"

"Oh dear," Luna said. "Perhaps I could keep the identities of the victims secret. For their own protection. Yes, that will work. How does this sound: Decorated War Hero Faces Legal Enslavement."

"They'll think you're writing about Harry," Hermione pointed out. Harry moaned and buried his face in his hands.

"Don't worry, mate," Ron said, patting Harry on the back. "I'm sure there are dozens of petitions headed your way."

"They'll think it's about Harry," Luna repeated, growing excited. "That's perfect! People will be moved by Harry Potter's private torment. Especially if he's cheerful in public, and they think he's just putting on a brave face. AMLA will be big, guys, really big."

**The Burrow, Early Monday Evening, Oct 26**

"Let's get this over with," Snape snarled when Molly let him into the house. "Where is Mr. Weasley?"

"Really," Molly sniffed. "I know you are a bit distraught, Professor, but such rudeness is uncalled for."

"Good evening, Mrs. Weasley," he said through gritted teeth as he stepped into the foyer and handed her his cloak. "Now, where is that Ministry lackey husband of yours?"

"Arthur is waiting for you in the parlour," she said, carelessly tossing the cloak into a corner and rushing after Snape. "I should warn you that he's ..."

"... not alone," she finished lamely as Snape stepped into the parlour and froze at the sight that greeted him. The founding members of AMLA were huddled together on the old chesterfield (with the exception of Neville who was at home laughing his head off) and a sheepish-looking Arthur stood half-forgotten in a corner of his own parlour.

"What are they doing here?" Snape whispered to Molly, who shrugged.

Harry looked up, and nudged Ron beside him. Soon the whole room was staring at Snape, who stared back. Silence reigned until Harry stood up and approached the professor with a challenging look in his eyes.

"Three petitions, so far," he said triumphantly. "How many have you gotten, sir?"

"Congratulations, boy," Snape drawled. "Do you want another medal?"

"This isn't a competition," Hermione hissed to Harry. "A terrible injustice has been committed, and we must right it."

"There is no 'we', Miss Granger," Snape said, shutting his eyes briefly. "Why are you children here? No, I don't care. Anyone who is not a Weasley - Get. Out. Now."

"We're here in an official capacity, Professor," Hermione explained. "We represent the newly founded A. M. L. A., and we're going to help you, and other victims of this heinous new law."

"Not another SPEW, Miss Granger," Snape groaned.

"Of course not," she said, turning red. "The Anti-Marriage Law Association will do things right."

"The Anti ..." he repeated in a pained voice. "I take it Miss Weasley is not a member."

"Ginny was here, but she disappeared into her old room just before you arrived," Luna offered. "Strange girl."

"Yes," he agreed, and then turned to Hermione. "I will not require the assistance of your little organization, Miss Granger," he said, holding up a hand to stop her from speaking. "Mr. Weasley can simply tell me which ministry official I have to bribe to see that this petition disappears."

"It's more complicated than that," Arthur said. "The committee that drew up the Law, well, they made all sorts of provisions which boil down to: once a petition is entered it cannot, under any circumstances, be withdrawn. Not even by the petitioner."

"I will not accept that," Snape spat. "There must be a provision for ... what are you doing, Miss Granger?"

"Um," Hermione said, blushing as she pulled down the hand that she had been waving in the air.

"Miss Granger, you are no longer in school," Snape said irritably. "If you have something to say," he paused and winced. "Just say it."

"Yes sir. I've been studying the Law every spare moment I had today," she said with a broad smile as she stood up, scattering notes on the floor that Ron promptly bent down to pick up.

Hermione clasped her hands behind her back and took a deep breath before beginning. "I'm afraid Mr. Weasley is right about it being nearly impossible for you to avoid marriage."

"Thank you for that, completely useless, bit of information," Snape sneered.

"I'm not finished!" Hermione barked. "As I was saying, there is a clause, subsection 24, paragraph B, that allows the petition to be nullified if the petitioner can be shown to have malicious intent towards their prospective spouse. Ah, beyond the strictures of normal matrimonial relations. That is, simply wanting to force you into marriage and the resulting ... ahem ... acts that are ... required ..."

"We get the point, Hermione," Harry said, looking more than a little uneasy. "What she means, sir, is that if this woman is a former death eater, or someone who may wish you harm ..."

"Not applicable," Snape said.

"That's a shame," Hermione said. "There is another clause that could apply. Since the whole purpose of the Law is ... er ... propagation, then impotency or sterility is also grounds for nullification of a petition."

"Definitely not applicable," Snape growled when Harry and Ron both chortled at Hermione's words. Even Luna covered her mouth with her hand.

"I am not impotent," Snape said, clearly enunciating each word.

"Would you like to be, sir? We'd be more than happy to help make you impotent," Ron asked, making Snape snarl in response.

Ron's eyes grew wide as he tried to look innocent. "What?" he said. "It would solve the Professor's problem. I'm just trying to be helpful."

"Close your mouth, Harry," Ron whispered when Hermione started speaking again. "It's not like the old bat can take house points off us anymore."

"... or you could find another pure-blooded witch to marry," Hermione concluded. "If all else fails, you can always leave Britain. The Law doesn't apply internationally."

"So," Snape said, crossing his arms defiantly. "The truth at last. All of this is a scheme thought up by you traitorous Gryffindors to force me into exile."

"Well," he said, glaring at Harry. "I won't go!"

"Don't be silly, man," Arthur said, blinking rapidly. "Why would we possibly want to drive you out of the country?"

"Nobody trusts me," Snape said, still staring defiantly at a visibly nervous Harry. "Oh sure, the Wizengamot was forced to absolve me of any crimes, faced as they were with overwhelming evidence of my loyalty to the light, but I know there was more than one person who thought the evidence false, or misleading. You can't convict me in a fair trial, so this is what you've come up with to punish the dark wizard."

"Get a grip," Harry said, as his nervousness gave way to irritation. "I testified in your defence, didn't I?"

"See?" Hermione said soothingly. "Everyone in this room trusts you. We're sure your loyalties were always to the side of the light during the war."

"Sort of sure," Ron muttered, and Hermione clouted him on the shoulder. "Reasonably sure. Ow! Alright, we're all sure of your loyalties, sir."

"Thank you for that vote of confidence, Mr. Weasley," Snape said. "It was quite unconvincing."

"I don't see why you're treating this marriage thing as such a tragedy," Ron said, scowling as he rubbed his shoulder. "Why don't you try taking advantage of the situation, like Harry plans to?"

"Take advantage?" Snape asked suspiciously.

"Ron," Harry hissed, looking worriedly towards Molly and Arthur.

Ron continued, oblivious to Harry's distress. "Harry plans to meet the women petitioning for him and see what they have to offer him. You could do the same. Meet the girl for a trial shag; maybe you'll like it."

"Ronald!" Molly said, horrified.

"Aw, gee, Mom, we're all adults here," Ron mumbled.

"Your idea may have some merit," Snape said thoughtfully. He pulled out the petition from his pocket and handed to Ron. "Do me a favour, boy, and go fetch the girl for me. Tell her I'd like to 'see what she has to offer'."

Ron looked with surprise at the parchment Snape thrust at him. With a slightly trembling hand, Ron reached out and snatched the petition. He opened the parchment, glanced at the name prominently displayed at the top, and fainted.

"Ron!" Hermione gasped, and rushed to his side. She sat down beside Ron and pulled his head onto her lap, making soft, cooing sounds as she stroked his hair.

Harry picked up the petition, read it, blanched, and handed it to Molly without saying anything. Molly read the petition, read it again, and then calmly stood up and walked over to the stairs.

"Ginevra Molly Weasley!" she bellowed. "Get down here, at once!"


	3. Chapter 3

**(Still at) The Burrow, Early Monday Evening, Oct 26**

A lock of Ginny's hair entered the room first, followed by the rest of her as she shuffled in with her eyes fixed firmly on her feet. The room echoed with hems and haws as everyone waited for someone else to speak first. Ginny looked up at Snape, turned beet red, and looked down again.

Ron moaned when he woke up and he looked at Hermione, who shrugged. "Is it true?" he asked Ginny, his eyes bugging out.

"You told them the ... good news, sir?" Ginny mumbled, not answering her brother.

"The dastardly bride-to-be does not even dare address the object of her depraved desires by his given name," Luna mumbled, scribbling on her parchment.

"I mean Prof ... Se ... Se ...," Ginny said.

Snape came out with a strangled sound, not quite a growl or a moan, and Ginny's mouth snapped shut.

"Ginny," Molly said in an overly bright tone of voice as she waved Snape's marriage petition in the air. "Explain this."

"Yeah," Ron moaned, holding his head in his hands. "Were you under Imperious or something?"

"No," Ginny said firmly. "I went to see Percy last Friday night, he is my brother, even if he is a git, and we were just chatting over a bottle, or two, maybe three, of firewhiskey, and Percy mentioned he had a friend in the Marriage Bureau."

"Percy," Ron hissed, and Hermione shushed him.

"Anyways," Ginny continued. "Percy said Harry was bound to get a lot of petitions, and Percy thought I was still infatuated with him, he was only trying to be nice, Mom," she added when Molly looked ready to faint. "Percy said if I filled out a marriage petition that night, he could owl it to his friend, and my petition would be the first one to reach Harry. That way I would 'stand out from the crowd', Percy said."

"You mean you thought you were petitioning for Harry?" Molly said as Harry preened and looked smug.

"Percy tricked you," Arthur said with both anger and sadness in his voice.

"How dare that boy drag me into your family squabbles," Snape snarled. "He'll learn what a mistake it is to annoy me."

"No!" Ginny shouted over the rising number of voices denouncing Percy. "Leave Percy alone. He didn't trick me. I ... what happened was I told him I had no interest in Harry."

"None?" Harry asked, his smug look disappearing.

Ginny gave Harry an apologetic look before continuing. "The only man I wanted to petition for, I told Percy, was Prof ... Severus. And, well, Percy laughed and refused to believe I was serious. So I filled out the marriage form, and owled it to Percy's friend in the Marriage Bureau, just to prove I wasn't joking. I did try to take it back the next morning once the firewhiskey wore off, but it seems I ... can't."

"Ginny," Ron said slowly. "You were obviously under the influence of some Dark Arts ..."

"Influence of spirits," Hermione muttered.

"... because there is no way you could really want to marry **him** ," Ron finished.

"Don't be silly, Ron," Ginny chided. "I've fancied the Prof ... Severus for years."

"What!" several voiced, including Snape's, exclaimed at the same time.

"You too?" Luna murmured distractedly.

"It might have been the wrong way to propose," Ginny said, and Hermione sniffed disdainfully.

"But it's going to be alright," Ginny said, grinning broadly before running across the room and throwing her arms around Snape, who looked down at the girl plastered against him with an expression of utter horror.

Ron's eyes rolled and, unnoticed by anyone but Hermione, he fell into another faint. "Oh Ron, stop this," Hermione said, frowning down at her unconscious lover.

"Snape!" Arthur roared. "What did you do to my little girl! You ... you utter, depraved creature!"

"You don't think I ... the girl is insane, completely insane," Snape sputtered as he wrenched himself free of Ginny's grasp.

"Don't mind Dad," Ginny giggled, gazing at Snape fondly. "I'll be a good wife, Professor, you'll see. We'll be ever so happy."

Snape stared at her and his mouth twitched angrily. "Listen, you silly chit," he growled. "I will be a miserable husband, and will make my wife's short life utterly wretched."

"I will, however," he added as turned to the exit. "Be a **very** happy widower."

"I say, there's no call for threats," Arthur said to Snape's departing back.

"He doesn't mean it," Ginny said cheerfully.

"Oh dear," Molly said, looking at the front foyer. "Professor Snape's forgotten his cloak."

"I'll take it to him," Ginny offered.

"No! No, I'll just send it to Hogwarts by Owl," Molly said quickly.

"Is it over?" Ron asked weakly.

"Yes, Ron," Hermione said. "You can open your eyes now."

"Yes, well, I think it's time you children went home," Molly said briskly. "Not you!" she said to Ginny.

"Ah, right," Arthur said nervously. "Run along now, and Mother and I will have a talk with Ginny."

"Yes, of course," Hermione said, clapping a hand over Ron's mouth before he could protest. "We'll leave you alone. Come along, Harry, Luna."

"B..but," Ron stuttered as Hermione dragged him out.

**Hogwarts Entrance Hall, Late Monday Evening, Oct 26**

_The door banged open and thunder roared as the dark, dangerous man stepped into the hall, droplets of water cascading down his raven-black hair and scowling face. The beautiful, talented seer ran down to meet him. "I knew you would come for me," she sighed._

_"It is you, it has always been you, I know that now," he said, gazing at the trembling form before him with hungry eyes._

_"Yes, my dark one, it was foreordained," she answered, staring raptly into his night-black eyes. Her robe fell open, and he was transfixed by the sight of her perfect, snow-white throat. With a growl, he crossed the space between them with a mighty stride, and greedily crushed his lips to hers._

_"My love," she gasped, tearing herself reluctantly from the embrace of her wonderful demon. "Not here, someone might see us."_

_"I don't care," he snarled, and advanced on her again. His hands clawed at his robes and his shirt until he laid bare his manly chest. She gasped and modestly turned her eyes away from the tantalizing sight. Almost angrily, he grasped her shaking hands and pressed them against his fever-hot chest. "I burn with a fire that only your soothing touch can quench," he rasped._

_Giving in to temptation, and throwing caution to the winds, the once-shy maiden boldly began to run her hands over the pale body of her destined lover. His lips trembled with barely-restrained passion as her hands roved over his chest, his stomach, and lower ..._

_... lower_

_... lower_

"Any sign of Snape?" Hooch asked, tapping Trelawney on the shoulder.

"Aaagh!" Trelawney squealed, and toppled backwards. Only Hooch's quick grab saved her from tumbling headfirst down the stairway.

"Didn't you know I would do that?" Hooch chuckled.

"The inner eye is not used for such trivial matters," Trelawney said archly and then turned her head. "Shush, someone's coming through the doors. I think it's **him**."

Snape was frowning when he stepped into Hogwarts' darkened hall, he looked around nervously, as though fearing to see a flash of ginger hair, and took a deep breath before striding across the floor.

"Aha! He has come back, just when I foresaw he would," a high-pitched voice came from the staircase, and Snape winced.

"Nonsense, Sybill," McGonagall said coldly from behind her. "You and Rolanda have been hanging around this hall all day, hoping to spot Severus."

"And what are you doing here?" Sinistra called as she came strolling over from the other end of the Hall.

"I am patrolling," McGonagall said sternly.

Snape pulled his robes close around him and tried to sneak past the gathered witches, but Trelawney clutched at his sleeve as he passed. "It went badly, I see," she said, her eyes enormous behind her glasses. "You are fated to marry, I know."

"Let go of me," he snarled.

"I have seen your doom, in this very school it walks," she breathed, leaning forwards. "I should know, for the blood of seers runs in my, pure-blooded, veins."

Snape stepped back from Trelawney and stood, with arms crossed, as he gaped at her. Sinistra was laughing so hard she couldn't stand straight, and Hooch had an unholy gleam in her own eyes.

"That's enough," McGonagall snapped. "Everyone go to your rooms. Now! Come with me, Professor Snape."

Somewhat dazedly, Snape followed McGonagall as she took him to her office. She went to her cabinet, poured a generous goblet of brandy, and handed it to Snape, who drank it down in one swallow. "I'm starting to miss the Dark Lord," he moaned, as McGonagall refilled his goblet.

"Don't exaggerate, Severus," she said, filling her own glass. "It's not that bad. I'm sure the law will be overturned soon."

"I have thirty, make that twenty-nine, days, Minerva," he said glumly. "Even the likes of your favourite Little Miss Know-it-all can't pull it off that quickly."

"No," she agreed with a sigh. "Surely there's some witch you could persuade to marry you? You did run in the pure-blood circles for a lot of years."

"Yes," he said dryly. "And the witches I met were Death Eaters, or Death Eater supporters. I doubt any of them are feeling charitable towards me."

"You must know some pure-bloods who don't want to see you in excruciating pain," she said. "Some old girlfriend, perhaps?"

"Several, the witches were all over me when I was younger," he said sarcastically.

"Oh, Severus," she said, laying a hand on his arm. "You're much more attractive than you think. Why, just the other day Rolanda mentioned she thought you had a lovely ... um, that she found you desirable."

Snape blinked, and eyed McGonagall as though trying to decide if she was serious. "Desirable, or not," he said, curling his lip slightly upwards. "I don't think I have time to court a stranger."

"Well, perhaps someone from school," McGonagall said hesitantly.

"You cannot possibly be suggesting I look up an old student," he said with a shudder. "I look at former students, and all I see is a bratty first year."

"Yes, the recent graduates do look young," she said. "But after a while, say twenty or so years later, the old student/teacher relationship just doesn't exist anymore."

"I haven't been teaching for quite that long, they all still look like little dunderheads to me," he growled, and stared out the window. "But, perhaps, a colleague. Not Trelawney," he mused, shivering.

"Definitely not Trelawney," McGonagall said, a smile dancing on her lips.

"Do you know anything about Hooch's ancestry?"

"H..hooch?" McGonagall gasped.

"You did say she fancied me?" Snape prodded.

"Yes, but ..."

"I must be going, thank you for the drink, Minerva," Snape said as he jumped up and ran out the door.

"Oh dear," McGonagall said, sitting down heavily.

"That didn't go well at all, did it Minerva?" a voice from the portrait hanging above the desk asked. "Unless you meant to get Severus and Rolanda together. In that case, it went very, very well indeed."

"Be quiet, Albus," McGonagall snapped.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Boys' Flat, Very Early Tuesday Morning, Oct 27**

Neville stood in his dressing gown by the open door, mouth pursed in disapproval of the foursome that dragged themselves into the flat. Harry grunted a greeting as he and Hermione carried a half-conscious Ron into the living room. Luna just shrugged and followed them.

"You could have told me you were going out to celebrate Snape's upcoming nuptials," Neville said crossly as he trailed after the group.

"Not shelebratin'," Ron said, sitting up and shaking his finger in Neville's direction. "Mournin'."

"Drink this, Ron," Hermione said when Harry handed her a potion he had just fetched from his room. Ron sputtered, but did as he was told. "Sober-up potion," Hermione explained to a puzzled-looking Luna.

"Ow, gawd, instant hangover," Ron moaned.

"Next time, stop drinking when I say you've had enough," Hermione said sternly. Behind her, Harry rolled his eyes and mouthed 'whipped' to Neville.

"Pardon me for wanting to forget about my new brother-in-law," Ron whined.

"I'm with Ron on that one," Harry said. "I'd drink myself senseless, too, at the thought of being related to Snape."

"Related to who?" Neville said in a very confused voice.

"Ginny Weasley's the witch who petitioned Professor Snape," Hermione explained.

"On purpose?"

"Apparently," Hermione said, stifling a laugh at the looks of horror on Ron and Harry's faces.

"I can't understand it," Ron said, a look of utter dejection on his face. "How can my baby sister, or any woman, want Snape?"

"Don't be daft," Luna said, smiling dreamily. "Snape's very appealing. Dark, untouchable, brooding, brilliant."

"You don't count," Ron said brutally, and Luna's smile disappeared. Ron laughed at Luna, and continued speaking. "Any woman who believes in the Crumple-horned Snarkythingy ..."

"Do I count, Ron?" Hermione asked archly, glaring daggers at Ron.

"Wh..what?" Ron stammered.

"I agree with Luna. Snape is attractive," she stated.

"But, that greasy hair, those crooked teeth, that **nose** ," Harry said with disbelief.

"Those eyes. That sexy, sexy voice that makes you melt," Luna added, and then blinked rapidly as she focused on the boys staring at her. "Well, when he's not yelling at you, I mean. The fantasies I've built around that voice."

"You've never fantasized about that greasy git, have you 'Mione?" Ron asked, nervously pulling at his hair.

"Who else was there to fantasize about at Hogwarts?" Hermione said. "Flitwick? Hagrid? Filch?"

"How about fellow students?" Harry asked.

"Well, sure," Hermione said, blushing. "I thought we were just talking about the staff."

"Would somebody please just obliviate me?" Ron asked, looking pleadingly up at the ceiling.

"So," Neville said, still looking confused. "Let me get this straight. Ginny's petitioned to marry Snape because she fancies him."

"Right," Hermione answered, beside her Ron came out with a strangled, gurgling sound, and hid his face in his hands.

"And Snape's not happy?" Neville asked.

"Of course he's not," Hermione said angrily. "Ginny didn't ask him before putting that petition in."

"I still don't see why Snape's upset," Neville said. "Most men would be overjoyed at the chance to get a witch like Ginny between the sheets."

"Hey!" Ron said, lifting his head and glaring at Neville.

"He's just saying Ginny's pretty," Hermione said, putting a hand on Ron's shoulder to hold him down.

"Not to mention half Snape's age," Neville added.

"Wait a minute," Ron said. "Neville's right. Snape should be thrilled at the thought of marrying Ginny. She's a far better woman than he deserves. How dare he act offended by her offer? Who does he think he is!"

"Maybe he's gay?" Harry suggested.

"Grow up. He's not gay just because he doesn't fancy Ginny," Hermione growled as she stalked over to the fire place and grabbed a handful of Floo Powder. "You boys better start treating this Marriage Law thing more seriously. Your sweet little sister is trying to force a man to marry her. Think about that, Ron."

"She expects me to feel sorry for Snape," Ron groaned once Hermione had left for home.

"I am so glad to be single," Harry smirked.

"Won't be if this Marriage Law isn't appealed," Ron said with a smirk of his own.

**Hogwarts Great Hall, Breakfast Tuesday, Oct 27**

"Just once I'd like to be early for breakfast," Sally Toril panted as she and her roommate raced down the stairs. Carrie Lewis' retort was never spoken because both girls skidded to a halt when they spotted an imposing, black figure in front of the doors to the great hall.

"What's Snape doing?" Sally whispered when he kept pacing in front of the door, occasionally peeking into the hall.

"And what's with his hair?" Carrie asked as she squinted at Snape. "It looks like he washed it, and I've never seen his hair tied back before."

"I don't care," Sally said curtly. "How are we supposed to get into the hall with that bloody berk standing in the way?"

"He's not really blocking the doors. There's lots of room to walk around him."

"Walk around Snape?" Sally exclaimed. She watched him for a moment, trying to will him to move, but in the end her need for coffee, and true Gryffindor courage, spurred her into action.

The two girls crept up behind Snape and slipped gingerly past him. Unfortunately, Carrie halted when they were almost clear, and sniffed loudly. Snape yelped, and every head in the hall turned to watch the three figures in the doorway with avid interest.

"Five points from Gryffindor for skulking in the halls," Snape bellowed.

"But, sir," Sally protested weakly as the Slytherins seated near the doors started snickering.

"And five more for conduct unbecoming a prefect, Miss Toril," Snape growled as he swept past the girls and headed towards the Head table.

"Smarmy, slimy, slithering, Slytherin," Sally muttered as she slid into her usual seat and reached for a mug of coffee. "He was the one skulking about."

"Wearing perfume, too," Carrie said, causing several of the nearby Gryffindors to choke on their food.

"That's why I sniffed," she confided to Sally. "Smelled just like my brother Lawrence when he goes to meet his girl."

"He's talking to Hooch," a boy said from down the table, and everyone turned their heads to watch as Snape stood stiffly beside Hooch.

"Sinistra just stood up, and she's moving to Snape's usual seat to the left of McGonagall."

"Hooch looks stunned."

"Snape looks like a pixie trapped in a jar."

"He's sitting down in Sinistra's chair. Beside Hooch. Weird."

"Boy, McGonagall looks angry enough to bite Snape's head off."

"Twenty to one says Snape's trying to court Hooch," Carrie said, and a chorus of disgusted groans greeted her. "Hey, it makes sense. He was obviously not happy about that marriage petition, and Hooch is a pure-blood. If he can, somehow, convince her to marry him that petition won't be a problem anymore."

"No wonder McGonagall's upset," Sally said. "Snape's got no right to pester the other staff with his personal problems."

"The Headmistress is a pure-blood, too," Carrie observed. "You don't think he had the nerve to approach her, do you?"

"He's a dead man if he did, or does," Felix, a sturdy sixth year said, clenching his hands into fists. "McGonagall's too decent and noble for her own good. She'd probably think it was her duty to save the prat."

"We could be wrong," Sally said. "Sinistra may just have wanted to talk to McGonagall. Snape hasn't said much to Hooch since he sat down."

"He looks all flushed and nervous, though," Carrie said, and giggled. "Maybe they're playing footsie under the table."

"Cripes, Carrie," Felix said, pushing his plate away. "I can't eat with that image in my head."

**The Head Table, Breakfast Tuesday, Oct 27**

Snape had been late to breakfast, not an entirely unusual occurrence, but his actions when he did arrive were anything but normal. Deducting House points before reaching the table, that was normal, but the taciturn professor, who rarely did more than nod when greeted by a colleague, had stopped by Hooch's chair, cleared his throat, and mumbled, "Good morning, Rolanda."

Hooch was so startled she choked on her cinnamon roll, and then turned to look at him with wary eyes. "Blerg?" she said.

"I think Ro meant to say: Good morning, Severus," Sinistra had said, a look of pure amusement in her eyes. Snape had nodded, and started to walk away, when Sinistra suddenly jumped up and stood in front of him. "I just remembered, there's something I must speak to the Headmistress about, it simply can't wait. Would you mind if I took your usual seat today?"

"My seat?" Snape had asked with bewilderment.

"Oh, thank you," Sinistra had gushed, and pointed at the chair she had just vacated. "I'm sure you can find something to talk to Ro about. Thank you again," she had trilled, and then scooted over to the chair beside McGonagall.

"Well?" McGonagall said some minutes later when Sinistra made no move to talk to her, but sat snickering to herself as she nibbled on her food. "What was it you wanted to talk about that was so important it could not wait until later?"

"Nothing, really," Sinistra said, lowering her voice so only McGonagall could hear her. "I thought Severus needed a prod in the right direction. Don't he and Rolanda look cute together?"

"Nonsense," McGonagall said coldly. "Hooch is a fine woman, in her own way, but, Merlin, the woman rarely talks of anything but flying and Quidditch. She's all wrong for someone like Severus. That woman would make the poor man completely miserable."

"First of all," Sinistra said. "This is Severus Snape, I doubt **any** woman is right for him. Second, he's always miserable."

"Nonsense," McGonagall said again, glaring at the other woman.

Sinistra shrugged and resumed eating. She watched as McGonagall dropped her hand down to her side in a seemingly casual gesture. Sinistra's eyes widened when the staid Headmistress surreptitiously gripped her wand and cast a quick spell.

"I saw that," Sinistra said with a smirk. "Really, an Eavesdropping charm, Minerva?"

"What a ridiculous accusation," McGonagall said. "Besides, I was right. They're only talking about Quidditch."

"For the last time, Severus," Hooch said, rolling her eyes. "I will not let that Kruch boy fly in the next Quidditch match. He deserved that suspension."

"Alright, agreed," Snape said. "But his teammates don't deserve to be punished. Slytherin is, you know, currently the smallest house, and that creates problems. There is no one else who can fill Mr. Kruch's position as Keeper."

"Tough," Hooch said.

"Slytherin will lose, and lose terribly," Snape said, lowering his voice. "Half those children have parents who died fighting for the wrong side in the war, or wound up in Azkaban. They need something to get excited about, and a good Quidditch showing is important to them."

Hooch snorted. "You should have given that speech to the team before Kruch racked up so many penalties."

"He gets overexcited," Snape sighed. "Couldn't you relax the rules, just the once? Slytherin will even take a points penalty if you insist, but they need their Keeper."

"Well," Hooch said, and her voice turned husky as she leaned towards Snape and trailed one hand lightly down his arm. "If you want me to do a favour for Slytherin, a favour for you, then it's only fair that you do something for **me**."

"What did you have in mind?" Snape said, unconsciously flinching away from Hooch's touch.

"Nothing we can talk about here," she said. "Perhaps later tonight, after curfew, we can discuss it."

Snape turned red, but before he could respond to Hooch's suggestion McGonagall interrupted them. "I say, Rolanda," she said loudly. "How is Ben? Isn't he your latest?"

"We broke up months ago, Minerva," Hooch said icily.

"Oh yes, I remember now, you said the poor man was getting far too serious for you," McGonagall said. "Well, weren't you and, Rory was his name, I believe, supposed to be engaged?"

"It didn't work out," Hooch growled.

"Ah yes, it's a shame," McGonagall said, shaking her head mournfully. "Rolanda finds the nicest men, who seem quite taken with her, but she always finds something wrong with them. Our Madame Hooch is just not interested in marriage, I'm afraid."

"Perhaps," Hooch said. "Madame Hooch is simply waiting for her perfect wizard to show up."

"Never fear, my dear Rolanda," Trelawney said, gazing into the distance. "I have seen glimpses of your future, and it seems your happiness may yet be found with a fair-haired stranger. Yes, your best chance lies with the light-headed. You must avoid dark-haired men, or a terrible tragedy will occur."

Hooch snorted, and waved a fork in Trelawney's direction. "I don't know what you've heard about me, but I am not in the habit of seeking 'happiness' with strangers, be they fair-haired or not."

"I must be going, classes to prepare for, papers to mark," Snape said suddenly as he stood up. "Horace is a Quidditch fan, perhaps he can ... assist you, Madame Hooch."

Horace Slughorn waved jovially at Hooch, who didn't notice him as she watched Snape hastily leave the Great Hall. McGonagall raised an eyebrow at a sniggering Sinistra, and then calmly resumed eating.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hogwarts Sixth Year Defence Against the Dark Arts Class, Thursday Afternoon, Oct 29**

"Snape's late, he's never late," Dolosus Dune said to his girlfriend, Mera Lorne. Both wore red buttons embossed with the letters A. M. L. A. In smaller print were the words 'Chapter Co-President'.

"He hasn't shown up at the hall for any meals lately, either," she answered back, frowning. "I thought he was just avoiding owls. The poor man's received at least a dozen of those marriage proposals."

"With any luck he's died from the shock," Felix Glass taunted from across the room. "Who'd have thought so many pure-blooded women were that desperate?"

"Shut your gob, Gryffindor," Dolosus spat.

"Hey, I know," Felix said, snapping his fingers. "Snapey's in the library, trying to find a beginner's sex manual. I bet the last time he touched a woman was the day he was born."

Dolosus sputtered, and reached for his wand, but Mera grabbed his arm and glared at Felix. "Our Snape's twice the hero your trumped up glory-hound Potter is," she stated.

"Snape's no hero," Sally Toril said as she peered over her book at the Slytherins. "All he did was save his own skin by ratting out his friends. Just like a Slytherin!"

"Everyone shut up, and sit down," Karl Kruch said. He stepped away from the door, where he had been watching the corridor, and hurried to his desk. "Snape's coming, and there's an owl following him. He'll have the whole class in detention if you just give him a chance."

A few seconds later Snape walked backwards into the classroom, waving a Ministry envelope angrily at the owl. "No!" he shouted. "I haven't any treats for you. Go away or I'll start demonstrating Bird Hexes to the class."

The owl hooted once, and then flew off. Snape turned around, glared at the students, and then dropped heavily into his chair behind his desk. He stared morosely at the Ministry envelope while his shocked class sat frozen. After a few minutes of silence, Snape looked up and frowned. "Well?" he said. "Get to work."

"Uh, sir?" Mera said, raising a hand timidly.

"What!" Snape growled.

"You ... you haven't given us any assignments for today," she said.

"Then practice duelling," he said, banging his fist on the desk. "No, no, make that practice blocking techniques. Yes, do that. Go on, form groups and start practising."

There was a mad scramble as the students jumped to obey. A few quick hexes (and mostly effective blocks) later they started to slow down when it was evident that Snape was paying no attention to them at all. He sat staring at the envelope in front of him with an expressionless face. The students watched him worriedly, except for some of the Gryffindors, who watched him with open delight.

"What do you think?" Dolosus whispered to the circle of Slytherins around him.

"Well, he looks okay, just a little depressed," Karl answered nervously.

"I like it better when he's angry," Scytha, a small brown-haired girl said. "He's scary, but it's normal scary."

"Ooh, he's opening it," a Ravenclaw squealed from the other side of the room. "Wonder who this one's from?"

"It must be bad," Mera observed. "Look, his face is going all red again. I Hope you're happy, Scytha, it looks like Snape's on the verge of a wicked tantrum."

Mera was proven right scant seconds later when Snape roared, and turned his eyes towards the Slytherins. "How many House points do you think I should take off Slytherin for this insolent offer, Miss Verte?" he demanded, waving the marriage proposal in the air.

Scytha jumped back, hitting the Hufflepuff behind her. She apologized quickly, and then looked at Snape and her eyes grew wide with fright. "Oh no," she whispered.

"Scytha, you didn't!" Mera said accusingly.

"I didn't, I swear I didn't," she said, stepping to put Dolosus between her and Snape. "Sir, I'm sorry, sir. My ... my mother asked me if I liked you, and I said yes, but I didn't think she would ... I mean, she's always going on about me being the last of the Verte's, but I never thought ..."

"Just another desperate pure-blood," Felix sneered.

"I am not," Scytha said, shaking a fist in Felix's direction. "I will never, ever marry Professor Snape."

"Even the Slytherin girls can't stand him," Sally whispered to Carrie.

"I suspect the Slytherin **women** think differently," Carrie whispered back.

"This says you do have malicious matrimonial designs on my person," Snape said to Scytha as he glared at her with naked hostility.

"My mother's my head of family, and that infernal ministry let her put in a claim in my name! She's an idiot," Scytha said, looking as though she would either erupt with fury or break out into tears at any moment. "I like you fine, as a ... a teacher and you're a hero and all, but I don't like you that way, sir. You're too old, and ... and ... I'll kill her!"

"I see," Snape said slowly, and then tapped the side of his nose with his quill as he regarded the near-hysterical Scytha. "How?"

"Sir?" Scytha said, stifling a sob.

"How," Snape repeated. "Do you plan on eliminating your interfering parent?"

"You can't be serious!" Carrie called from the centre of the Gryffindor group. She immediately clapped a hand over her mouth when Snape turned a look of fury her way.

From across the room Karl winked at Carrie, and then led the Slytherins in a round of applause for her suicidal display of Gryffindor courage.

"Do show a bit more decorum, Mr. Kruch," Snape said, raising a finger in warning to the Slytherins, and then turned his attention back to Scytha. "Well, Miss Verte?"

"I haven't thought that far," she replied.

"Never make promises you don't intend to carry out," he said coldly. "I want a three foot essay about the history of Kin-specific curses on my desk by noon Friday."

"Yes, sir," Scytha said meekly.

**Hogwarts Great Hall, Dinner Thursday, Oct 29**

"Snape's finally making an appearance," Hooch said when she spotted him making his way to the Head Table.

"He has been a little hard to find lately," Sinistra whispered. "Now, don't drool, Rolanda. You don't want to scare the man away again."

"Nonsense, I've always been a believer in the direct approach," she said, and whistled softly when Snape passed her chair. Pulling his robes close around him, Snape gave no sign of having heard Hooch's 'greeting' and walked briskly to his seat.

"So good of you to join us, Severus," McGonagall said brightly when Snape sat down. "You've been spending far too much time alone."

"I have an announcement I'd like to make to the students before dinner," he said curtly. "If you have no objections?"

"What sort of an announcement?" she said suspiciously. "And why didn't you mention this to me earlier?"

Ignoring McGonagall, Snape stood up and called for silence. "I will be brief," he stated in sonorous tones. "From now on I will see to it that all students who either petition for, or have a relative who petitions for, my hand ... that is indicates they wish to force me into matrimony under that dreadful Marriage Law, will fail my class."

"Severus, you can't **do** that," McGonagall moaned as she lowered her head onto her hands.

A wail came from the Gryffindor table. "But I don't even like Aunt Tilly!" Similar cries and protests came from all tables.

"Severus," McGonagall hissed.

"Oh very well," he said, smirking at her. "Attention!" he bellowed, putting an end to the growing racket from the student tables. "Petitions already received or submitted to the Ministry will not be subject to my new rule. I suggest all of you owl any single, pure-blood female relations you have and explain what the consequences of crossing me will be."

"Not now!" McGonagall bellowed when nearly a third of the students scrambled up, apparently intent on heading to the Owlery. "Sit down, and eat your dinner. I will see to it that Professor Snape does not punish any of you unfairly."

"What did you think you were doing?" McGonagall whispered to Snape after a semblance of normality settled over the Hall and everyone began eating dinner.

"There's not many pure-bloods in Britain who don't have a relation in this school." he said with a half-smile. "I doubt I'll be getting many more petitions."

"Don't be so sure of that," Sinistra chortled when an owl flew into the Hall. It flew over to the Ravenclaw table and Snape breathed an audible sigh of relief.

"Owls, morning, noon, and evening," McGonagall said with a glower. "It's getting ridiculous, I really should put an owl-proof barrier around the castle."

A string of profanity more suited to a football hooligan than a seventh year floated up from the Ravenclaw table. "Twenty points from Ravenclaw for highly unsuitable language!" McGonagall yelled. "Where did you learn such words?"

"I'm sorry, Headmistress," the Ravenclaw said. "But my Mother's had my toady cousin petition for me. She's a damn ... sorry again, Headmistress ... Slytherin, and was upset about my plans to quit school and get a job. She's trying to force me to enter an apprentice program. Hah! I should accept Ogden's petition just to spite her."

"Looks like you were right, my boy," Slughorn said to Snape. "There's one half-blood the law will benefit. Imagine, a Ravenclaw who wanted to drop out of school."

"I say, Snape," Flitwick said. "Wouldn't that solve your problem? Switch careers! Take up an apprenticeship. I'd be glad to take you under my wing and teach the finer points of charms to you."

"Do you really think I didn't consider that already?" he snarled. "Clause 23 prevents anyone over the age of twenty-five from claiming an exemption based on scholastic commitments. Then there's clause 46 ..."

"Anyone emigrating from Britain while a petition is on file must forfeit all their properties and monies to the Ministry," McGonagall explained.

"Well, then perhaps you shouldn't have complained about all those petitions you've been getting," Flitwick said. "At least you have a choice of ladies to choose from."

"Yes, but none of those witches are very bright, are they?" Hooch interrupted. "I mean, it's like buying a broom by mail-order catalogue. It's just not right. You should never buy a broom without taking it for a test flight first."

"Severus is not a broom," McGonagall said through clenched teeth.

"Test flights," Snape muttered as he traced lines in his mashed potatoes with a fork. He looked up when an owl dropped beside his plate. "What now?" he growled as he took a letter from the bird. His face went blank as he read through it. He stood up, took a deep breath, pointed his wand at the letter beside his plate, and walked out of the Hall as the letter burst into flames and turned into a pile of ash.

"Reparo! Accio letter," Hooch said quickly, and snatched the now-restored parchment.

"Madam Hooch, that is not your property!" McGonagall snapped.

Hooch ignored her and read Snape's letter. Before long, she dropped her head on the table and started howling with laughter. Sinistra took the letter out of her hands.

"Silencio," McGonagall said quickly, putting a soundproof barrier around the Head Table. The students strained to see what was happening, but a glare from their Headmistress had them pretending they were not interested in events at the Head Table.

"Give that to me," McGonagall said stiffly as she pulled Snape's letter from Sinistra's hands.

"Headmistress McGonagall, that is not your property!" Sinistra chided.

McGonagall glared at Sinistra before pushing her glasses up her nose, and reading the letter.

_Dear Professor Snape:_

_Allow me to express my condolences regarding your recent troubles related to the Marriage Law. I, unlike other people I shall not name, have no trouble understanding why the idea of marriage to a beautiful witch like Ginny Weasley would not be pleasing to a man like you._

_After all, you may be a young man by wizarding standards, but age is relative and some people grow old faster than others. I am certain that you fear yourself incapable of satisfying the needs of a nubile young woman._

_We have had our differences in the past (to this day I break out in a sweat at the sight of a cauldron) but I wish to extend the hand of friendship and offer a way for you to avoid embarrassment in the matrimonial bed. I believe my Gran, Augusta Longbottom, would be willing to marry you to save you from the lustful clutches of a young and healthy witch. While Gran is spry for her age, I am sure you will have no trouble matching her stamina._

_Do contact me if the prospect of becoming my new Grandfather appeals to you._

_Respectfully,_

_Neville Longbottom._

_P.S. Gran is a generous woman with a full wardrobe and, I'm sure, she would be quite willing to share her clothes with you._

"Dreadful boy, I was far too lenient with the Gryffindors when I was their Head of House," McGonagall said, and turned an icy gaze on the still laughing Hooch. "Do stop that, Madam Hooch. It's not funny."

"I'd agree, Headmistress, if it was anyone but Snape," Hooch chortled.


	6. Chapter 6

**Snape's Residence, Thursday Evening, Oct. 29**

Snape was seated in a chair by the fire, staring expressionlessly at the flames, when a disdainful snort sounded from behind. He turned and cursed when he saw the portrait of Phineas Nigellus standing in the center of a picture of a dense forest.

"The House of Slytherin has truly fallen if you are the best it has to offer nowadays," Phineas Nigellus said, picking off twigs and branches from his rich robes with a look of extreme distaste. "Not only are you a right coward when it comes to women, but your taste in decor is horrible. These woods are dreadfully dirty."

"Get out," Snape snarled.

"I will not, the honour of Slytherin is at stake. It's simply wretched the way you've been letting other people take control of you over this matrimony business. A true Slytherin would take advantage of the situation."

Snape groaned and rubbed his temples. "By bedding all the petitioners, I suppose."

"By taking the opportunity to beget an heir," Phineas Nigellus said haughtily. "The Weasley wench is comely enough, most likely as fertile as her mother, and young enough to be trained."

"I will not marry a Weasley!" Snape roared as he stood up and shook a fist at the painting. "Or any of those horrible, manipulative petitioners!"

"Oh, do calm down," Phineas Nigellus said with a sneer. "Marriage is nothing to be afraid of. A proper husband controls his wife, not the other way around."

"You," Snape growled. "Are an idiot. I will not let those fools in the Ministry think they can control my life. That is what steels my resolve to avoid those petitioners, not any fear of women."

"Is that so?" Phineas Nigellus said, tilting his head and crossing his arms.

"It is," Snape said firmly.

"Than why didn't you visit that Madam Hooch? My word, man, the woman was practically throwing herself at you! It's not too late, if I know women, and I do, she'll be right glad to see you standing at her door."

"Stop that, Phineas," Albus' voice said as the trees parted on Phineas Nigellus' left side to let the old man pass unhindered. "Severus isn't the type to bed a woman just because he can. He's far too much of a romantic for that."

"A what!" Snape sputtered. "Am I to be insulted by both of you in my own rooms?"

"Perhaps romantic wasn't quite the right word," Albus said soothingly.

Snape pulled his wand, and pointed it at the portrait. " _Silencio_."

"You didn't really think that would work, did you, my boy?" Albus chortled.

"Worth a try," Snape muttered, and then raised his voice. "Alright, Albus, say whatever you've come to say, and then be off and leave me alone."

"Severus, why are you here?"

"I am in no mood for a philosophical discussion," Snape said sulkily.

"Not here on this earth, just here at Hogwarts."

"I do believe it's called a job."

"Yes, yes, yes," Albus said, waving a hand dismissively. "But surely you could find work elsewhere. Something in research, perhaps. Do you like anything about teaching?"

"Taking House points," Snape answered with a smirk. "Albus, what are you getting at?"

"I think there is some reason you want to stay at Hogwarts. Something you can't find anywhere else. I am speaking, my boy, of friends."

"I don't have friends. Well, perhaps some members of the staff are a bit more than simple acquaintances ..."

"Aha!" Albus said before Snape could finish. "Would you say Minerva is more than an acquaintance?"

"She is a decent conversationalist," Snape replied after a short pause. "Moreover, Minerva has always trusted and defended me. It is ... pleasant to have someone to rely on."

"Exactly," Albus replied, beaming broadly. "And you can rely on Minerva to help you with your current situation."

"I beg your pardon?" Snape said, narrowing his eyes with suspicion.

"Minerva is quite fond of you, and a lonely, pure-blooded woman," Albus said with a look of innocence in his eyes.

"Dear lord, Albus," Phineas Nigellus interrupted. "What a horrid suggestion. The Headmistress may have many good qualities (although I haven't seen them myself) but she's getting rather on in age, isn't she?"

"Nonsense," Albus said. "She's a young woman. Why, she hasn't even reached the century mark."

"Excuse me," Snape said, tapping on the picture frame. "Albus, how dare you suggest I use Minerva in that manner?"

"Oh, come now," Albus said. "You two would be perfect together. What harm is there in talking to Minerva about, ahem, romance?"

"She may never speak to me again!" Snape yelped. "What if she's insulted, or worse, embarrassed by my unwanted advances? I won't risk losing Minerva's friendship just because you feel like playing matchmaker from beyond the grave!"

"Quite right, she's almost past the breeding age, anyway," Phineas Nigellus nodded in agreement. "On the other hand, would you really mind if that Madam Hooch never spoke to you again?"

"I could live with that," Snape said, and glared at Albus. "Yes, I believe I will call on Hooch tonight."

Phineas Nigellus smirked at a scowling Albus when Snape turned and strode purposefully out of the room. A second later, Snape strode back in, changed from his dressing gown into his second-best robes, and then headed out again.

"Take her a present, lad," Phineas Nigellus shouted as Snape left again. "She's not just a Knockturn Alley wench who'll be happy with a Galleon in the hand!"

"I think the going rate's a bit higher nowadays," Albus whispered to Phineas Nigellus.

**Hogwarts Flower Beds, Minutes Later**

Snape stood in front of a dormant rosebush with a look of distaste on his features. Women liked flowers, even he knew that, but his one attempt at courting with a bouquet of conjured roses had ended in disaster when the girl he gave them to spotted the difference. Apparently, conjuring flowers was 'cheap'.

"A real flower it will have to be," Snape muttered, he looked around furtively for a moment, to make sure he was unobserved, and then drew his wand. " _Germino. Floreo._ "

The bush put forth a new shoot, and moments later a single rose bud formed. Snape plucked it when it just began to open. "One had better be enough."

Too soon for his liking, Snape found himself standing outside Hooch's rooms. He scowled, adjusted the hem of his robes, and then knocked on the door. He remembered to smile, or at least stop scowling, just before the door opened.

**Hooch's Residence, Seconds Earlier**

"Were you expecting visitors?" Sinistra asked Hooch when a knock sounded on the door.

"On our gossip night? I don't think so," Hooch replied, as she put down the firewhiskey in her hand, and rose to answer the door.

"Snape?" Hooch said, her mouth dropping open, and staying open.

"Good evening, Madam Hooch," he said stiffly, and then thrust the rose awkwardly at her.

"Oh, uh, thank you," she squeaked, grasping the flower automatically. Her gaze flicked from the flower, to Snape's face, and then back to the flower again. An almost predatory smile spread over her face, and then she grasped Snape's arm and dragged him into her room.

"Merlin's Bloody Beard!" Sinistra gasped when a flustered Snape staggered into her sight.

"Am I interrupting something?" Snape said with as much dignity as he could muster while trying to catch his breath.

"Not at all," Hooch said, letting go of Snape to haul Sinistra up by her arms. "Sin was just leaving. Wern't you, Sin?"

"Sure," Sinistra said as Hooch shoved her out into the hallway.

"Now, Severus," Hooch said, rubbing her hands gleefully. "Are you here to talk about ... Quidditch and that Kruch boy?"

"That won't be necessary," Snape said. "Mr. Kruch has found a solution to the problem of his suspension. Quite ingenious, I must say."

"Then you must be here about more pleasant matters," Hooch said, coming to stand in front of Snape.

"I thought we could become better acquainted," Snape said, taking a step back.

"Do stop being coy," Hooch said crossly. "You have a problem, Severus, you need to find a wife, and fast."

"To put it bluntly, yes," Snape sighed. "I thought we could try and see if we're compatible."

"I agree," Hooch said as she pushed Snape against the wall and kissed him passionately.

Snape's eyes widened, and after a momentary struggle he broke away from Hooch. "I thought we would talk," he gasped.

"Talking's just a prelude to the main event," Hooch said, licking her lips. "Why waste time?"

"Why indeed?" Snape answered. He leaned over and placed a hesitant, almost chaste, kiss on Hooch's lips.

"I have the cure for that shyness," Hooch giggled as she started unfastening his robes. Snape shrugged, and brought his hands up to caress Hooch's back. She reached back to move one of his hands lower, while planting kisses on his neck. She moved to nibble on his earlobe, and Snape moaned as his eyes fluttered shut.

"Like that, do you?"

"Gods yes, Minerva," he sighed, and then his eyes shot wide open. "Oh sh.."

"What was that?" Hooch barked, stepping back and putting her hands on her hips.

Snape swallowed nervously, and then tried to look innocent. "My ... my nerves? I'm so excited to be here that my nerves are all on edge?"

"I have," Hooch screeched as she steered Snape towards the door, "never," she opened it and shoved him outside, "ever been so insulted in my life."

"I can explain," Snape said, wincing when a door swung open down the hall and Sinistra poked her head out to watch Snape and Hooch.

"I don't care!" Hooch yelled. "Men fantasize about Rolanda Hooch when they're with other women. Not the other way around!"

"It's all Albus' fault," Snape said weakly, stepping back and moving away from the livid Hooch.

"Get lost you ... you greasy-haired, immature git! You **and** your Oedipus complex!" Hooch yelled at the departing Snape.

"It didn't go too well, then?" Sinistra asked, the corners of her mouth twitching with suppressed laughter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hogwarts Entrance Hall, Thursday Evening, Oct 29**

Snape ran through the halls, muttering under his breath the whole way. He turned the corner a bit too fast, almost knocking down a suit of armour, and it howled a protest as Snape ran past it towards the dungeon stairs. He froze with one foot lower than the other when he heard a familiar voice call out to him.

"This isn't what it looks like," Snape said with a wince as he tugged at his dishevelled robes. He looked everywhere but at McGonagall who had run out from a door he was sure hadn't been there before, and was now glaring at him with her lips set in a thin line.

"Severus," McGonagall said with a hint of derision, or perhaps amusement, he wasn't quite sure which it was, in her voice. "You've been around long enough to know that statement usually means it is exactly what it looks like. What if a student saw you sneaking around the corridors in that state?"

"Then I'd give them a detention for being out after curfew," he said, half closing his eyes. "And it isn't ... quite ... what it looks like."

McGonagall waved her hand dismissively. "You don't owe me any explanations. It's none of my business what you do when you're off duty. I do, however, expect you to remember that this is a school full of young and impressionable young people. As a member of the staff you are expected to behave with decorum," she flicked her eyes down at his robes, which didn't quite hide his unbuttoned shirt, "or at the very least, a measure of discretion."

"You have no right to talk to me about decorum," Snape sputtered. "Not when you parade around the halls in such ... such a revealing and provocative outfit!"

McGonagall was shocked speechless as Snape turned and stalked off down the stairs. She looked down at her full-length tartan dressing gown, the one she had owned for years, with a look of bewilderment. She reached up just to make sure her hair was still firmly fastened in a bun. "Provocative? I do believe that man took one too many crucio curses during the war."

**Snape's Residence, Five Minutes, and Half a Bottle of Firewhisky, Later**

"Disgraceful, simply disgraceful," the portrait of Phineas Nigellus said with a sigh. "A ... a performance worthy of a Hufflepuff. No, no that's insulting to the Hufflepuffs. You, my boy have sunk to depths so pathetic that I cannot even begin to describe them."

Snape sat down and stared glumly into his glass as Phineas Nigellus continued to berate him. He closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair.

"Are you ignoring me?" Phineas said after a while. "How very rude of you! I may only be a few splashes of paint, but I'm still the best chance you have of taking control of your life again."

Snape picked up a book and idly started turning the pages.

"Hello?"

He put the book down and started pacing around the room.

"A proper Slytherin always pays attention to his betters."

He turned around and started pacing in the other direction.

Phineas Nigellus put two fingers in his mouth and whistled, making Snape miss a step. "I'm talking to you, youngster. You had best attend me."

Growling, Snape advanced on the picture. "I have had enough of this. All of this. I defeated the Dark Lord ..."

"Defeated him all on your own?" Albus said with a laugh as he swung down from the branches of a tree. Several leaves fluttered and landed on Phineas Nigellus' head.

"I concede that certain individuals, including Potter, may have been of some assistance," Snape said, grinding out his words through gritted teeth. "But that's not the point. The point is ... why am I bothering to explain anything to you two? Have you nothing better to do than interfere in my affairs?" He waved a hand dismissively. "Don't answer that. As I was saying, I defeated the Dark Lord and will not be manipulated, bullied or pushed around anymore."

Phineas clapped his hands joyfully, and stepped in front of Albus. "Excellent. Now you and I have some plans to ... to ... what are you doing?" his voice rose as Snape placed his hands on the picture frame and lifted it from the wall.

"I will not be pushed around," Snape said as he carried the picture out into the hallway and turned it around to glare directly at Phineas. "By anyone."

Snape looked a little contrite when he looked away from Phineas and towards Albus. "Sorry, sir, but that includes you, as well. It's time I took control of my own affairs."

"Good luck, my boy," Albus said, taking off his hat and waving it at Snape.

"This is a mistake, you need me!" Phineas Nigellus yelled as Snape propped the painting up just outside his door. He was still sputtering angrily long after Snape's door had slammed shut.

**Hogwarts Great Hall, Breakfast Friday, Oct. 30**

Snape whistled softly as he came up the stairs. He stopped and frowned when he saw a small group of students huddled around two of his Slytherins outside the entrance to the Great Hall.

"Is there a problem, Miss Toril?" Snape asked as he glided silently behind the Gryffindor girl.

"Aagh! No sir. Are we late? Did I miss the bell? I didn't hear it, I swear I didn't."

"Oh calm down, we've nearly an hour left before the bell," Mera said, frowning. "What is it with you Gryffindors being such a bundle of nerves around the Professor? It's just A.M.L.A business, sir."

"I trust this nonsense will not affect your studies," Snape said coldly.

"No sir, of course not," Mera said quickly. She turned around to the other A.M.L.A. members as Snape walked around them. "As I was saying Slytherin's in. It took some doing to convince them, but we're with you on this one."

Snape's step faltered at those words, but continued on towards the Head Table with a slight shake of his head.

"I think your little Gryffindors are up to something again, Minerva," Snape said as he reached for some toast. He took a second to wave jovially at Hooch who raised a hand and gave him a very rude gesture before turning her attention back to her breakfast.

"They're not my Gryffindors anymore," McGonagall said somewhat crossly, seemingly oblivious to Hooch's actions. "You are in a good mood this morning, Severus."

"I have plans, many, many plans," he said, leaning back and smirking.

"Keep them to yourself," Slughorn growled as he lifted his head from his arms.

"He's been grouchy all morning," Flitwick said, stretching across the table for some bacon.

"You'd be a bit grouchy, too, if some painting woke you up in the middle of night and kept going on and on about the sad state of affairs in Slytherin."

"Ah, good old Phineas Nigellus. You found him quite entertaining, I trust?" Snape asked.

"He wouldn't shut up. I tried to tune him out, but my word, that voice carries. I ended up sleeping in the bathtub," Slughorn said, opening one eye and peering up at Snape. "I think he wants me to stage a coup. Take back control of Slytherin for the 'sake of the poor, easily misguided, little ones.'"

Snape snorted. "I guess he didn't see you kissing Minerva's feet in gratitude when she let you resign as Head of House."

"He's out again," Flitwick said, one finger prodding the softly snoring Slughorn's shoulder.

"Don't just poke him, Professor Flitwick," McGonagall said. "Cast an alertness charm on the man or I shudder to think what kind of disaster we'll see in potions this morning." Shaking her head, she turned and saw Sally Toril walking up to the Head Table. "Now what is she up to?"

"Excuse me, Headmistress, Professors, but I have an announcement to make," Sally said, standing in front of the table and clasping her hands behind her back. Behind her all tables fell silent. "On behalf of the whole school, that is."

"About what, dear?" McGonagall asked.

"We're cancelling Hallowe'en to protest the Marriage Law," she said. "Not a single student will celebrate. It's to show our families and everyone just how serious we are about protesting this grave injustice."

"Are you daft?" Pomfrey exclaimed. "What possible good could ..."

McGonagall silenced Pomfrey with a slight wave of her hand, and then addressed the floor. "Are all the houses in agreement about this?" There was a chorus of yes's and ayes, along with a few sullen faced nods, from all four tables.

"It will be such a shame to miss out on the feast, and the party. I must say it sounds more like a punishment than a protest to me. Are you certain about this?"

"Yes Ma'am," Sally said. "And we may even cancel Christmas, and all the other hols too if we have to."

The Headmistress frowned. "I'm really not sure what to say ..."

"I know what to say," Snape interrupted, leaning forwards and grinning happily as he pointed one finger at Sally. "Twenty! No, fifty points to Gryffindor for a truly inspired notion!"

The was shocked silence and then the floor erupted as the students reacted.

"Fifty - to Gryffindor? Blimey!"

"Did someone hex my hearing?"

"Bloody 'ell! Snape got laid! How else do you explain him being so happy he'd give so many points to Gryffindor?"

"Moldy Voldy's back?"

"Shut up you git, I think McGonagall heard you."

"Yeah, but fifty points?"

"He's given points to Gryffindor before."

"Fifty?"

"And smiling at the same time?"

"Maybe he did get laid last night."

"Are you sure it isn't Volde ... ow! Stop hitting me."

"Silence!" McGonagall bellowed, her voice echoing through the Hall. "Everyone sit down, finish your breakfast, and be quiet. One more word about Voldemort," she said while glaring at the red-faced fifth year who had mentioned him last, "and there will be house points lost. Several house points."

"Mornings used to be so peaceful," she said in a normal voice as she sat down.

"So, did you?" Flitwick asked, leaning over to whisper to Snape.

"Did I what?"

Flitwick waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Snape leaned back with a horrified look on his face. "Don't ever do that again. What is wrong with everyone? I merely rewarded the girl for her outstandingly brilliant idea. Am I the only one who thinks it's a good thing that we won't have to deal with a horde of overexcited, hyperactive, sugar-filled, costume-wearing little terrors bouncing up and down the halls?"

"But didn't you see the poor little first years down there? They looked so sad," Pomfrey said with a sigh. "I half expected them to burst into tears at the announcement."

"This will be the best Hallowe'en I've ever had at Hogwarts," Snape said happily.

**Snape's Office, Mid-Afternoon Friday, Oct. 30**

Snape was buried behind a pile of scrolls and books on his desk, when a rapid series of light knocks sounded at his door. "Come in," he said without looking up, still writing furiously. "This had better be important."

"It's a matter of some importance to me when one of my teachers cancels all their classes," McGonagall said sternly, peering over the stacks of scrolls at Snape. "For the second time this week."

Snape put his quill down and looked up. "I didn't cancel classes, I sent them all to the library to do research." McGonagall frowned and started tapping one foot on the floor. She looked pointedly at the owls lined up along the window sill, ready to be sent off with more messages.

"I have things to do," Snape snapped. "Besides, more study time is just what most of the little dunderheads need."

"I realize the last week has been ... difficult," she said slowly. "However," she raised a finger for emphasis, "as long as you are a member of my staff you have duties to perform. Personal matters are to be dealt with after school hours."

He held up a sheaf of scrolls. "This is an outline of my teaching plans for the rest of the year. I've got detailed notes for the first through fifth years done so far. I thought, since you've little chance of getting any one qualified to take my place, that I should leave notes even the dimmest wizard could follow. Just in case," he said, crossing his arms, "my personal matters force me to vacate my post."

"Oh," Minerva said. "Well, I ... I'm sure that won't be necessary. I certainly hope not of course, but, well, I'll just leave you alone then, shall I? Do carry on."

Snape breathed a sigh of relief when McGonagall left without looking too closely at the scrolls to the left of the course outlines he had waved at her. The list of all the witches who had sent him petitions would be hard to pass off as necessary for Defence Against the Dark Arts classes.

He snickered softly to himself and reached for his quill to sign his latest letter.

_Dear Mrs Longbottom,_

_I was delighted to see from your answer to my proposal that you and I are of the same mind regarding your Grandson's somewhat presumptive offer, and was most pleased to learn that he plans to join you for dinner tonight. If it is agreeable to you, then I will arrive shortly after 5:00 pm so that we may both be there to welcome Neville to your home._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Severus Snape_


	8. Chapter 8

**Augusta Longbottoms' Home, Friday Evening, Aug 30**

Neville stopped just outside the door to make one last check on his robes before knocking once, and then opening the door. "Gran?" He called, stepping inside and looking around. "I'm sorry I'm late, but there was a spot of trouble at work. It's all fixed now, and I do apologize for not calling to let you know I'd be late, but I didn't think it would take that long to fix."

"Come into the lounge, dear," his Grandmother called out. "You have some explaining to do."

Neville swallowed nervously. "But Gran, I was only twenty minutes late," he said. "That's not, uh, that's not ... hello, sir."

"Mr. Longbottom," Snape said, nodding at Neville from where he was seated beside Augusta on a dark green couch.

"Sit down," Augusta said. Neville immediately plopped down on the nearest chair. "I don't know what young people today think are right and proper courting rituals, but in my day it was considered quite rude to offer a witch's hand up in marriage without informing her of your plans first."

"Don't be too hard on the lad," Snape said, leaning back and casually throwing on arm around Augusta's shoulders. "He may have been a bit thoughtless, but I daresay he had only the best of intentions."

"Hmph, I can see you're going to be a bad influence on me, Severus. Neville needs a firm hand and guidance, not more of your softhearted indulgence."

"Gran?" Neville squeaked out.

Augusta pursed her lips and studied Neville for a moment. "Although just this once, I suppose I can be forgiving," Augusta said, and then smiled fondly at him. "Fortunately Severus is a true gentleman and had the good sense, and manners, to approach me directly regarding your matrimonial offer. This Marriage Law may be controversial, but things do have a way of working out for the best, don't they?"

Neville stared as his grandmother leaned against Snape and gazed up at him adoringly. He looked down and saw her thin hand lightly patting Snape's upper thigh. "Gug," he said, and then fell off his chair in a faint.

"They'll have to change that saying about Gryffindor courage," Snape said, standing up and nudging the fallen hero with one foot. "First Ronald Weasley passed out, and now Neville. It's a wonder they managed to face Voldemort and his Death Eaters without having a bushel of wake-up charms on hand."

"Some things are more terrifying then others," Augusta said with a snicker. "He just needs to toughen up a bit more."

"When he comes to, do tell him that he is a gullible idiot," Snape said, as he reached for his travelling cloak. He paused, and then looked down at Augusta. "Madam, the boy is no longer conscious."

"And?" Augusta asked, raising an eyebrow.

Please remove your hand from my backside," Snape growled.

**Hogsmeade, The Three Broomsticks Inn, Saturday Afternoon, Oct. 31**

"Ah, the good ol' Three Broomsticks," Ron said happily as the stepped through the doors. "It seems like only last week when we here last."

Hermione shook his hand off her arm and gave him a strange look. "It **was** only last week when we were here last."

A harried barmaid came up to them. "We're a bit pressed for space, I'm afraid. The main floor's been booked for a private party."

"We know; half of Hogsmeade knows about Snape's not-so-private party," Ron said. "Didn't realize they'd all be trying to crash it, though."

"Are you sure you can't find us a table?" Harry said, giving the barmaid a crooked smile while running a hand through his hair, casually displaying the scar on his head.

The barmaid blinked, and then looked around the crowded inn with a frown. "We might be able to find something for you, Mr. Potter. I'll see what I can do."

"I don't see why we have to come here," Harry said grumpily after they were seated at a table in the corner that had miraculously become free. He drank half a pint of firewhisky, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and then scowled. "I had to cancel on a lunch date with the lovely Rosemary, and I was supposed to meet with the Thomson sisters afterwards."

"We're here because Headmistress McGonagall asked to come here. She's worried about Professor Snape, especially after word got around about him booking the inn at such short notice. It was a very odd thing for him to do," Hermione said primly, and then frowned. "I thought the Thomson's were half-bloods? Why would you be meeting them?"

"I'm not going to limit myself to dating only the pure-blooded girls. I won't deprive the non pure-bloods of my company just because of the Ministry's stupidity," Harry said. "Speaking of which, I'm going to skive off if this thing of Snape's isn't finished by dinner. No way am I missing out on my date with Lucretia."

"Won't harm you to take a night off," Ron said. "Smug little wanker," he added, not quite under his breath. Harry grinned at him.

They watched as over the next half hour one well-dressed witch after another entered and was escorted to the reserved tables. "No wizards?" Hermione said after half the tables were filled.

"They're all pure-bloods!" Ron said, a bit too loudly, and he winced when some of the ladies in question looked his way. He lowered his voice a bit. "McGonagall was wrong, Snape hasn't gone barmy at all. He's just screening his prospects."

"All at once? And in public, too. That kinda takes the fun out of it," Harry said, starting to count the number of witches.

"It's not a game to the Professor the way it is to you," Hermione scolded. "He's probably just trying to get this over with as efficiently and quickly as possible." She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. "Although, you are right about it being odd to interview them all in a pub."

"I'll bet he sticks the girls with the tab," Ron said with a snicker.

"Shh, keep your voice down," Hermione said, pointing towards the door that had just swung open to reveal Snape standing imperiously on the threshold. Almost everyone in the inn turned to watch as he strode purposely towards his guests.

"Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight!" Harry said happily, finishing his head count of the assembled witches. "I've gotten far more offers than that."

"Might not be all of 'em," Ron said, getting out a pair of omnioculars and eyeing the assembled witches. "Doesn't look like there's a witch under thirty at the table. Not too bad-looking for a bunch of old biddies, though. Eugh. Except for that one in the lacy gold robes. Gah, I didn't think warts came in that size."

"Ron! Be careful with that," Hermione said, looking around nervously at the other tables. She relaxed a smidgeon when she saw most of the other patrons were also avidly watching Snape's gathering.

"What's he doing?" Harry asked, making a grab for Ron's omnioculars.

Ron slapped his hand away. "Shoulda brought your own. Huh, he's giving out scrolls and quills. Is he planning to make them write essays or something?"

Hermione shushed him. The other tables in the inn also fell unusually silent as everyone listened to Snape as he paced around the seated witches and gave them instructions.

" ... since you want to embrace all things Muggle, or Half-Muggle, as the case may be," he was saying, "then we will start with the traditional first step in Muggle Mating Rituals - the filling out of the 'Intent to Pursue Carnal Relations Form'. Do make sure to answer every question completely and honestly."

"The what?" Hermione asked.

"Muggles are weird," Ron said, and then frowned. "Should I have filled out this form, 'Mione?"

"There's no such thing," Hermione hissed. "Muggle dating habits aren't all that different from wizard's."

"You alright?" Ron asked Harry who had choked on his drink when Snape said 'Carnal Relations', and was now looking a bit ill.

"Yeah, I guess it just hit me. Snape might actually be trying to, in a really strange way, woo these witches. It's just, it's kind of like he's cheating, isn't it?" Harry said, looking sadly at Snape.

"Why? 'Cause he won't have to actually date any of them?" Ron said, looking confused. "What do you care?"

"No, not that kind of cheating. It's more like ... " Harry paused and screwed up his face. "How would you feel if your Dad was cheating on your Mum?"

Ron stared at Harry, scratched his head, and then stared at Harry again. "That's messed up, mate," he finally said.

Hermione got up and placed the back of her hand on Harry's forehead. "Are you feeling all right, Harry?"

Harry shook Hermione's hand off. "Get off me, that didn't come out right. All I meant was, look, you know Snape was supposed to have this thing for ... that is, he was awfully fond of my Mum, right?" He waited until both Hermione and Ron both nodded before continuing, "So what's he doing even thinking about marrying those other witches? My Mum's not good enough anymore? She's not worth a lifetime of devotion?"

"Your Mum's dead," Ron said, as if Harry had forgotten that.

"And my Mum's not good enough to mourn for a lifetime?" Harry snapped out.

"Oh dear," Hermione said in a low voice as she took a step away from Harry.

"Still sounds messed up, mate," Ron said, eyes moving nervously from Harry to Hermione and back again.

Harry dropped his head on the table with an audible thunk.

The awkward silence at their table was broken by a shriek of outrage from the main floor. A pleasant-faced witch had jumped up and started gesturing angrily at Snape, one hand on the scroll in front of her. "Give a ... complete history of your sexual encounters ... techniques and preferences ... he's having a laugh at us. If Muggles really fill out these forms, then I'm a pixie."

"Oh leave off, Muriel," another one said from across the table. "None of us mind."

"Wait, what part are you on," a witch with an elaborately extravagant hairstyle asked, reading rapidly down through the scroll in front of her. "Oh, my. Well, I never!"

"That Madam," Snape said, moving to her side and placing on hand on the table as he read her scroll, "is part of what I am trying to discover. You are dismissed."

The witch blinked and turned to look up at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"I have no interest in wasting a single moment of married life dealing with a novice in the bedroom. You, and any other witches who have 'never' may leave now."

"Whoa," Ron said. A handful of witches stood up, including the disgusted Muriel, gave Snape almost identical looks of loathing, and then marched out of the inn. Some of the patrons hooted and clapped as they left. Ron nudged Hermione's shoulder. "Hey, do you think they really are ... "

"Don't be stupid," Hermione said. "I can't believe any of them are still staying. How can Snape be such a ... such a pig!"

"Not just staying, I think they're actually filling in those forms," Harry said, lifting his head from the table and watching as one witch chewed on her quill before grinning and starting to rapidly write with it.

"Feeling better?" Ron asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, I think the firewhisky might have been hexed or something," Harry said, smiling thinly. Hermione quickly switched his mug of firewhisky with her own mug of butterbeer. Not noticing the switch, Harry took a drink . "Snape might have a good idea, though. Wonder if I can get my petitioners to fill out similar questionnaires?"

"You try, and I'll never speak to you again," Hermione said, crossing her arms and scowling fiercely. Harry raised his hands in surrender.

"Merlin's Beard, woman! There's such a thing as too much experience," Snape exclaimed, his words carrying through the whole inn.

"Damn, that was one of the better looking one's, too," Ron said as he watched the witch Snape had insulted turn a deep shade up red, stand up, and reach for her wand.

" _Incendio_!" she shouted. Snape casually blocked the spell and looked a little bored as she advanced towards him, wand held high.

"No duelling, no duelling in my place!" Landlady Rosmerta shouted, leaping on the bar and standing with her hands on her hips.

The witch curled her lip and pocketed her wand. She left, garnering a larger round of applause then the last group of witches to leave Snape's gathering. Several other witches had vanished from the tables during the excitement.

"Only eleven left to choose from. He's narrowing the field fast," Harry said after doing a quick headcount.

Snape sat for a few minutes, quietly reading through the scrolls the remaining petitioners had handed him, and sipping occasionally at his drink. Finally, he pocketed the scrolls, and then stood up and gestured at the witches to also stand up. He snapped his fingers and the tables were shoved to the side, leaving a large space in the middle of the floor.

"Now what? He's going to make them dance for him?" Ron asked Hermione, who just gave him a look that clearly meant 'how should I know?'

"One thing left, ladies," Snape said. "We shall end this competition with the Traditional Muggle Wet T-shirt Contest."

Harry spewed a mouthful of butterbeer all over the table.

"Nice one," Ron said, shaking off droplets from his sleeve. "What's this Wet T-shirt thing, then?"

Harry tried to explain things to Ron, while Snape lined the puzzled witches up in the middle of the floor and stood back. "In deference to your status as witches, we will forgo the wearing of T-Shirts. Robes will make an effective substitute, I believe." He gave his a wand a flick and a cascade of water poured down from the ceiling onto the witches, soaking them completely from head to foot.

"Disgusting!" Hermione said.

"Brilliant!" Ron said, taking out his omnioculars again. "Darn, maybe it works better with muggle clothes, but they mostly just look like drowned rats. Very angry drowned rats."

"Not the third one from the left," Harry said, pointing out a dark-haired witch who had let her robes fall open to reveal the very thin dress she was wearing underneath. "She looks thrilled to be showing off her assets."

"And right nice assets they are," Ron agreed, swivelling the omnioculars to look at the witch in question.

Hermione grabbed the omnioculars out Ron's hand. "I've had enough of this horrid display," she said, gritting her teeth and pulling out her wand.

"'Mione don't!" Ron yelled , making a grab for her wand. He was too late; a pool of not-quite clean water appeared over Snape's head and hovered there for a few seconds before dropping and drenching him.

Ron and Harry both dived under the table as Snape turned around, robes squishing, and looked directly at Hermione, who gave him a glare as she pocketed her wand. Snape saluted her with his wand, and smiled slightly before turning back to his dripping petitioners.

"Get up," Hermione hissed, pulling Ron up by his hair, and kicking Harry in the side.

"These robes were silk!" wailed one witch. "Do you know how much they cost!"

"Be quiet," Snape hissed, pausing to dry himself off with a spell. "Do you see what I just did? You are all witches, and yet you are all standing around in soaking wet robes."

The witches sent several glares, and insults, at Snape as they started drying themselves off. Someone at one of the outside tables laughed and called out something that was drowned out by his seatmates. Snape turned and silenced the table with one look of contempt. "No more comments from the floor."

"Do you have any pride, any sense, at all?" He continued, addressing the witches again. "Obviously not, or you would never have bothered me with those insulting petitions."

"Insulting!" the witch with the 'nice assets' exclaimed. Most of her companions nodded in agreement with her. "More like an honour. An honour I should never have extended to such an ungrateful cur in the first place."

"Merlin have mercy," Snape sighed, putting a hand of his forehead and grimacing. "Would one of you ladies explain to me why not one of you thought to ask me how I felt about marrying you before sending the Ministry an official petition? How much trouble would it have been to owl a simple letter?"

"Um ..."

"I didn't send the first petition; the one that put you on the market!. Plus, my sister said she was going to send one and I wanted to get one in first."

"I did send you a letter, a very nice one."

Snape raised a hand for silence after the last remark. "Yes, madam, and while the letter and the accompanying pictures you sent were very entertaining, and most likely illegal, you sent it after you had already sent an official petition to the Ministry."

"Well, everyone else was already doing it. I didn't really see the harm."

"And that, ladies, is why none of you are worthy of taking my name. Good day." Snape crossed his arms and disapparated away, leaving behind an inn full of people who seemed a bit confused about what had just happened.

"Well, that was a waste of time, wasn't it," Ron said. "What the devil was Snape playing at?"

Harry slapped Ron on the back. "Isn't it obvious? He just wanted to humiliate them. He had no romantic intentions at all."

Ron looked at Harry, who had an idiotic grin on his face. "You're really messed up, mate."


	9. Chapter 9

**Kingsley Shacklebolt's House, Early Sunday Morning, Nov. 1**

Two young Aurors moved through the well-maintained grounds of the Minister for Magic's current residence. Their wands held loosely, but their eyes wary as they moved slowly across the grass. "Anything?" called out the first one.

"Just the one bush transformed into a lewdly shaped pumpkin. Otherwise, it's all clear," his partner said. "I still think we're being a bit paranoid."

"Constant Vigilance!" shouted the first Auror. He cast a quick time charm. "That's long enough, time to wake the Minister up. Just for being careless, I'll let you have the honour. Go on, then."

"Thanks," she said, scowling as she went up the door and knocked loudly. She jumped off to the side when the Minister in question suddenly apparated behind her, robes hastily thrown on and still unfastened.

"Officer ... Clarington is it?" he asked, scanning the area for potential threats.

"Stand down, Minister," she said. "We're only here as a precaution, there's no sign of any threat."

"Two Aurors don't show up on my doorstep on a whim," he answered. "What is going on?"

"Several council members have been victims of acts of vandalism."

"Such as?"

"Shrieking hexes on their flowerbeds, toilet paper with stick-all charms on their bushes, dung bombs on the doorstep ..."

"Do you know what day this is?" Shacklebolt asked.

"Er ... the first of November."

"You woke me up for a bunch of Hallowe'en pranks! Are you insane? Is this a creative way of handing in your resignation?"

"It's more then that, sir," she said. "It looks like members who voted to pass that Marriage Law that have been targeted. We know you spoke against it, but one of your bushes was vandalized anyways." She pointed out the bush in question.

"Yes, very dangerous," Shacklebolt drawled. " _Finite Incantatem_." The pumpkin promptly turned into a rather scraggly looking bush. "I still fail to see the problem."

"Most of the other enchantments are proving more difficult to remove."

"He did vote against that Law, unlike the others."

"Was anyone hurt?" Kingsley asked.

"No sir."

"Permanent damage?"

"We don't think so ... just stubborn hexes."

"Then I will ask you one more time ... before firing you ... why are you bothering me?"

The two Aurors exchanged glances and Clarington stepped forward. "The Ministry of Magic was also pranked, that is, vandalized."

"What! How did they get through the wards? Why didn't anyone contact me as soon as they found the breach in security?"

"They needed time to secure the Ministry before ..." she broke off as Shacklebolt disapparated with a sharp crack, and then she finished addressing the air. "Our foolhardy Minister, who forgets he's no longer an Auror, ignores all security protocols and goes rushing headlong to the scene."

**The Boys' Flat, Sunday Mid-Morning**

"You get it!" Ron and Harry said at the same time when someone knocked on their door.

"I got bit by the toaster," Ron said grumpily.

"Yeah, well, I used the loo first," Harry responded.

"I found the carpet teeth."

"I ate the toast."

The knocking grew a little louder. "Keep your knickers on! Oh alright. _Finite Incantatem_!" Ron said, pointing towards the door.

Nothing happened. "Ronald Weasley open this damn door before I open it for you!" Hermione called. "I know you're in there, I can hear you, you know."

"It's your fiance," Harry said, shoving Ron towards the door.

" _Alohomora_!" Ron said, and the door swung open. He ducked, but it was Hermione who shrieked in outrage. Looking up, Ron saw that a bucket of water had materialized over the door and drenched Hermione. It hovered over her head for a few seconds more before vanishing.

"I don't believe this!" She screeched. "He got me again!"

"Again?" Ron asked, extending a hand to drag Hermione into the flat.

"I got out of bed this morning and stepped into a small pond instead of my carpet. I went to have a shower and get wet ..."

"Uh, Hermione ..."

"... before getting in the shower," she said, making shushing motions with her hands. "The bloody tiles went off like a fountain. Then the toilet back-flowed, and my cupboard was an aquarium, I went to use the Floo and got drenched again when the fire turned into a miniature waterfall. I thought I would be safe outside my flat, but he **got me again**! I will hex Snape so hard he'll be begging for his old nose back."

Ron and Harry looked confused. "Snape?" Harry said. "What's Snape got to do with this?"

"Are you dense?" Hermione sniffed. "Where were you two yesterday? Who else has a grudge against me involving water?"

"Snape," Harry said, banging his head with his hand. "So that means it wasn't, uh, oops. Maybe we shouldn't have been so quick to get revenge."

Hermione groaned. "Who did you think it was?"

"Neville," Ron said. "Oh man, he's going to be pissed. He won't be sharing any of his good weed with us for months."

"He came home Friday night, and then locked himself in his room all Saturday," Harry explained with a slight whinge in his voice. "We checked up on him and he yelled at us to leave him alone, and said something else about moving to the continent for a few years. Then this morning, when we kept getting pranked, well, we figured ... it's not like just anyone can get through our wards, and Neville was already here ..."

Hermione sighed. "Where is Neville."

"In his room," Ron mumbled.

Hermione marched over to Neville's door and jerked it open. She stumbled back when a cascade of green branches burst through the open door. Peering through the dense greenery she could just make out the outline of a gagged and trussed up Neville. She glared at Ron and Harry and scowled fiercely as they scrambled to free Neville.

"Sorry Neville," Ron said.

"Yeah, sorry, mate," Harry added. Neville hissed at them, called them morons, among other things, sent a pair of stinging hexes flying at them, and then slammed the door shut in their faces.

"So, is anyone else as worried about this as I am?" Ron asked, nervously running a hand through his hair and looking at the closed door.

"I'm sure Neville will forgive you eventually; if you grovel," Hermione said, crossing her arms.

"Pft, of course he will," Ron said dismissively. "But you realize what this means - Snape was in our flat. Snape hexed us. Snape was IN OUR FLAT! I mean that's just ..."

"Wicked!" Harry interrupted.

"... creepy," Ron finished, looking at Harry with an expression of disbelief.

Harry smiled sheepishly. "Wicked creepy?"

**Snape's Residence, Sunday Noon**

McGonagall walked down the hallway, eyes narrowed and lips pressed together giving her a look of determination. She stopped in front of Snape's door, took a deep breath, and then raised her hand to knock.

"I'd recognize those ankles anywhere," Albus' voice sounded, and McGonagall jumped. She knelt down to peer at the picture resting on the floor.

"Albus? What are you doing down there?"

"Severus won't put this painting back in his room, and the house-elves refuse to touch it. Would you mind ..."

McGonagall was visibly suppressing a smile. "Oh no, you don't. I've been tempted to clear my rooms of all you nosey portraits myself."

"Hmph," Albus said crossing his arms. "Well, would you at least be so kind as to hang this painting properly on the wall so I'm not reduced to trying to identify people by their socks?"

"Oh very well." McGonagall quickly applied a sticking charm and the portrait was affixed just outside Snape's door.

"Perhaps a spot on the other side of the hallway would be better ..." Albus said, craning his neck to try to see the door. McGonagall raised an eyebrow in disapproval, and he quieted down.

"Now where was I?" McGonagall muttered.

"You were about to wake up Severus," Albus said helpfully.

"Wake up?" McGonagall said, turning to stare at Albus in surprise. "It is nearly noon!"

"The boy's had a busy night," he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

"No matter," McGonagall said, turning back to the door. She raised her hand and then dropped it. "Er, he is ... alone, isn't he?" she asked Albus.

"Is that any concern of yours?" Snape said, yanking open the door and glaring at both the woman and the portrait. "And I was not sleeping," he added grumpily. McGonagall refrained from telling him that he still had a nightcap on his head.

"How did you know I was here?" McGonagall asked sounding defensive. She pursed her lips and switched to an accusatory tone. "Were you spying on me, Severus?"

"Yes, for many years," he drawled and watched McGonagall's face turn pink. "Oh do calm down, I installed a door alarm years ago. You'd be amazed how many students, and some teachers, waste absurd amounts of time dithering in front of my door as they work up the courage to knock. It's quite entertaining to watch them. There was one Ravenclaw who spent three nights just standing out there before I finally took pity on him and opened the door to find out what he wanted."

"Perhaps if you didn't go out of your way to frighten the wee ones ..." McGonagall said icily.

Albus coughed loudly. "You didn't come here to discuss Severus' teaching habits, did you Minerva?"

McGonagall was just gearing up for a full-fledged rant, and stopped with a small sigh of annoyance at the rebuke. "In a manner of speaking I did - what was that dreadful display of yours about in Hogsmeade yesterday, Severus? That spiteful childishness you indulged in was a dreadful example to the children!"

Snape blinked and raised an eyebrow. "Is that so? Do you realize that in twenty-four days I will no longer be on the auction block, one way or another, and every single one of those moronic witches will be free to petition for another hapless wizard? I was merely attempting to knock some sense into their empty little heads."

"Always thinking of others, Severus, quite selfless, I'm sure," McGonagall said with a snort. "In that case, surely a sternly worded lecture would have served as well?"

"Perhaps, but it wouldn't have been nearly as much fun," he said, crossing his arms and letting a wicked smirk cross his face.

"Fun!" she repeated, slumping slightly. "Do you realize we've already had three counts of 'water dousings' in Hogwarts this morning alone? The little monsters quite liked your solution to unwelcome attentions."

"Oh? If I started a trend, then it's a shame I didn't go with my first instinct and just poison the lot of them," he said. McGonagall scowled at Snape, but he only looked amused at her reaction. "How could I not consider it?" Snape said, spreading his arms wide. "Get rid of the lot of them. No petitioners, no marriages. If only there weren't so damnably many of them."

"Petitioners or Weasleys?" McGonagall asked. "You would have to 'get rid of' Ginny Weasley first."

"Already taken care of," he said. "Molly and Arthur hustled that insolent brat out of the country as soon as they could arrange for transportation. They probably thought I'd make Ginny go through with the marriage as a means of punishing her." He seemed to think about that for a moment, and then shuddered.

"Then you don't have a twenty-four day deadline," McGonagall said, brightening. "If you show up, and your petitioner doesn't, then the Ministry has to give you a reprieve."

"Yes, of one whole day, that's when the next set of petitions were filed," he said. "As delightful as that extra day of freedom is, it really doesn't matter in the long run. The Ministry would chuck me into Azkaban after the first half dozen or so young witches 'accidentally' missed their marriage appointments."

"I'm sure Ms. Granger and her A.M.L.A. will think of something," McGonagall said, leaning forwards and awkwardly patting Snape on the shoulder.

"In twenty-four, pardon me, twenty-five days?" he said, shaking off her hand and moving back. "You'll forgive me if I don't put my faith in your lions and make plans of my own, I trust?" He raised a hand as McGonagall started to speak. "I shall endeavour to make sure that the impressionable children will be unlikely to hear about, or imitate, my actions."

"What actions?" she asked.

"Good day, Minerva," Snape said, stepping into his room and firmly shutting the door.

She twisted her hands together nervously, and eyed the portrait that had silently listened to their conversation. "Am I wrong to be worried about that man's plans?"

"My dear young lady," Albus said. "You do trust Severus, don't you?"

"Of course I do," she snapped. "Completely. Almost. Mostly."

"Then let the boy have his fun."


	10. Chapter 10

**A.M.L.A Breakfast Meeting, Tuesday Nov 3**

Hermione tapped her quill impatiently and looked over at Ron who was just polishing off a second breakfast. "Can I start now or is **someone** still 'bleeding starving'?"

He waved a hand at her. "Go on. Make it fast, though. I've gotta get to work."

"First of all," Hermione said. "Where is Neville?"

"He accepted that job offer in South America," Harry said. "Said it was safer than staying here."

"Wasn't that job offer from the group that wants to track and capture the newly discovered mobile man-eating plants?" Hermione asked.

"That's the one," Harry nodded.

Hermione sighed. "Bright boy, that Neville. Moving on, I shouldn't have to say this but, pay attention Luna, A.M.L.A is a law-abiding organization, we can win this one through peaceful methods. None of us should be promoting criminal acts of protest against the Marriage Law."

Luna frowned. "What a silly thing to say. Who would do that in the first place?"

"Luna! You wrote an article saying the embassy vandalism was, and I quote, 'an absolutely wonderful opportunity'."

Luna crossed her arms and tilted her chin up defiantly. "The first sentence was 'We in no way condone or endorse illegal actions'."

"Then you went on to encourage people to 'misplace' or 'forget' about petitions already filed," Hermione said, waving the offending paper at her.

Ron interrupted her. "Shouldn't you be lecturing everyone who rushed to refile with the Ministry, 'Mione?"

"Lecture 'em, and kick 'em where it hurts," Harry added.

"Besides, it's been kind of fun watching the Marriage Law people working triple shifts the last couple of days trying to fix the mess," Ron said.

"'Triple shifts',"Luna repeated. "Any sign of them giving up this nonsense yet, Unnamed Ministry Source?"

"It's not the bosses who are working overtime, Luna," Harry pointed out. "So, no, they're not going to give up that easily."

**Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Auror Headquarters, Monday Nov 16**

Ron stepped over a snoring grey-suited wizard buried under a pile of scrolls. "Look Harry, another dedicated worker for the Marriage Bureau."

"I feel bad for the poor sods, really," Harry said as he walked by, taking a moment to snatch a couple of the scrolls and casually letting them drop at the other end of the corridor.

"Better get a move on," Ron said speeding up. "We don't want to be late for the morning briefing again."

"New assignment, people," the current Head of Department said, glaring at Harry and Ron who had just run in and were still out of breath. "TheMinistry needs us to fix their mistakes. I know, I know, business as usual. Damn Ministry twits. This time around it's the newly created Marriage Bureau that needs us to cover their arses. A good quarter of the Marriage petitions have not been resubmitted. It's simply shocking, isn't it? Rather than just accepting the loss as what happens when you leave stuff out where it can catch on fire - the Bureau paper pushers have put together a list of all the pure-bloods who sent owls to the Bureau and have yet to refile a petition."

"They think every owl equals a petition? Are they bloody daft?"

"If those twits try to force me to file a petition just because I owled a **letter of protest**..." grumbled a six-foot tall witch with a beater's build.

"Oh yes, Auror Melanie Cross," the Head said, glancing down at a rather lengthy scroll. "You're on the list."

"Am I going to have to kill someone, Boss?"

"... why don't we just cross your name off here. Melanie Cross did not file a petition. Done. Only three hundred and forty two left to go."

"What are we supposed to do?" asked one of the senior Aurors.

"Knock on every door and order 'em to come out with their petitions up," his partner said with a snicker.

"Bugger that."

"Settle down, boys," the Head said with a glare. "You know I can't refuse a direct order from the Ministry. They want an investigation team on this, and they're going to get one."

"Who's the unlucky blokes?" asked Melanie Cross. "It better not be my team."

"Potter! Weasley! Congratulations. You get to head up your very own investigation. Don't screw it up."

**Elite Investigation Team, Tuesday Nov 17**

"When he said 'Don't screw it up'," Ron asked, "are we screwing it up? We've got zero new petitions after fourteen visits."

"Nah, we're good," Harry answered. He checked the address of the apartment they had just walked up to and then knocked imperatively. "Raul Zabini?" he said as the door opened.

"I didn't do nothing," squeaked the alleged Raul Zabini as he backed up and hit the wall.

"Hey, we're the good guys," Harry said. "There's no need to be nervous. Not unless you're into blood sacrifices or something."

"Oi! Nice shiner, mate," Ron said as he looked over Harry's shoulder. Raul was indeed sporting a lovely black eye.

"I'll make this quick," Harry said in a bored voice. "You sent an owl to the Marriage Bureau on the 29th of October. What was the purpose of this message?"

"Uh ...," Raul swallowed nervously and looked up towards the other room where a silent figure stood idly tapping his wand against his arm.

"Hello, Blaise," Harry said giving him a little wave. "Been a while."

"My fool of a cousin sent a foolish question about a foolish law, that's all," Blaise said. "Isn't that right, Raul?"

"Er ..."

"Just to be clear, Raul," Harry said. "Did you, at any time, send an official Marriage Petition to the Ministry?"

"Of course not," Blaise answered for him.

'Uh huh," Harry jotted something down on his notebook. "And are you, Raul Zabini, willing to state that you have not been pressured or coerced in any way to deny the existence of a legally binding and submitted Marriage Petition?"

"Potter, please," Blaise said. "He's an idiot, but he's still a Zabini."

"That's a no, then?"

"I'm pretty sure he's supposed to answer the question," Ron said, pointing at Raul.

"Well?" Blaise said, poking his cousin with his wand.

Raul squeaked. "No! I mean, yes, that's a no."

"Good enough," Harry said cheerfully as he snapped his notebook shut. "Nice seeing you again, Blaise."

**10 Minutes Later**

"You offered Blaise a job! You offered to help get a Slytherin git into the Aurors!"

"Don't be such a Gryffindor, Ron," Harry said.

"We are so screwing up," Ron whimpered.

**McGonagall's Office, Friday Nov 20**

McGonagall looked up from a pile of paperwork and smiled at her visitor. "Severus! Always a pleasure."

"I rather doubt it will be today," he said as he handed her a stack of papers.

She frowned as she glanced through the papers. "You have given your entire estate to Hogwarts? What in Merlin's name are you doing?"

"My entire known estate, at least," he said smugly. "And do note the date - I had the documents drawn up and completed well before that insidious Law was passed."

"Oh dear," she said as she worked something out. "So that the Ministry can't seize your assets when you ..."

He shrugged and sat down. "Run? Cross the Channel? Bugger off?"

"How could you have been so sure the Law would pass?"

"Minerva, how often have I told you that you can never underestimate the stupidity of absolutely everyone?"

"But, just leaving? Wouldn't even a sham marriage be better? We really don't want to lose you."

He groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand. "I did consider it. The thing is I just can't stand the thought of being married, even if it isn't an entirely real marriage, to some woman I do not respect."

"Aha! I told you our Severus was a romantic, didn't I?" Albus' portrait declared as he leaned forwards and rubbed his hands together with glee.

"Shut up, Albus," Snape growled. "Go pester the students, I mean, go impart some words of wisdom to the younger generation."

"I never thought you'd give up," McGonagall said leaning back and sighing. "Especially after that Hallowe'en fun at the Ministry, which you had nothing to do with."

"That was a delaying tactic, nothing more. Well, a delaying tactic and a message to the Ministry that they're lucky I'm too knackered to fight another war. Not that I had anything to do with that Hallowe'en event."

"I suppose it was too much to hope for that all of your petitions would be mysteriously misplaced."

"Even if no one resubmitted a petition, all the Ministry had to do is get their hands on the current Betting list."

"Betting list?"

"Oh really, Minerva? You have to do a better job of keeping an eye on things then that," Albus chuckled. "Several Brokers have ongoing bets on who the more prominent Muggle-born and half-bloods will end up marrying."

"Let me guess - they've offered to paint in various displays of candy in your favourite portraits, in return for telling them who to bet on?" Minerva said.

"Right, it's great fun."

"For you," Snape snapped as he searched through his pockets. "Ah, here's the latest 'Snape betting list' sent to me an 'enterprising' former student. I believe that one offered me a full fifty percent of the winnings."

"It's very ... detailed," McGonagall said, eyeing the betting list.

"Part A is all the witches who have petitioned, cross referenced by name of petitioner, house, date sent, occupation, and age. Part B is a list of available witches who are intelligent enough **not** to have filed a petition. Your name is a quarter of the way from the bottom, if you're wondering."

McGonagall blushed, but still followed the directions to find her own listing. "Hmph 2100 to 1. Really, I'm not that ... wait ..., **Molly** Weasley, that can't be right. Oh it is. Odds 1400 to 1. How can she possibly have better odds than me? How would even work?"

Snape tapped his chin and looked thoughtful. "Let's see now - Arthur dies in a tragic potions mishap. I wait until after the funeral and then find Molly and say something like 'My condolences on your tragic loss, but look on the bright side, now you can do me a really, really big favour'. Molly swoons and falls into my waiting arms. The Weasley children all turn Muggle in shock."

"I say, that would solve his problem most admirably," Phineas Nigellus piped up from his portrait.

"There is no problem to solve," Snape said, standing up and pushing his chair back. "I'll be leaving now, if that's alright with you, Minerva. I have a few last-minute things to attend to."

"Do something," Albus hissed as Snape turned and walked to the door.

"Severus!" Minerva called, sitting up straight. "Before you go, I just want to let you know that I've always respected you. Even when I thought that you betrayed us - I respected you."

He stopped with one hand holding the door open and took a deep breath before turning around. "Thank you, Minerva."

"Severus!" Albus whispered as he waved his hands widely and pointed his chin down towards McGonagall.

"Oh, er, and of course I have always had the utmost respect for you, Minerva," Snape said hesitantly.

"Really?" McGonagall said with a wide smile.

"Gah! You fool. This is a sad, sad day for Slytherin," Phineas said, taking off his hat and hiding his face behind it.

Snape stared at him for a minute, and then groaned.

"You do respect me, Severus?"

"Yes, Minerva, you know I do."

"Do you trust me enough to marry me?" she waited for his nod of agreement. "Well, then," she said brightly. "Since I don't want to spend my weekend looking for substitute teachers for you classes, why don't we put an end to this petition nonsense tomorrow? I hear the Ministry has set up a rapid marriage process for petitioned wizards and witches."

He crossed his arms, looked up at the ceiling, and then sighed and nodded at the Headmistress. "Alright, I don't really want to leave my comfortable quarters seeing as I just got them put back into order, but I will take five hundred points from the first Gryffindor who calls me Mr. McGonagall."

"Don't forget to contact a few of your 'enterprising former students' before tomorrow," Phineas Nigellus said. "You may as well make a profit from your misfortune."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**The Atrium, Ministry of Magic, Saturday Morning, Nov 21**

"The Ministry has used the newly set up 'Saturday Expedient Marriage Festival' as proof that the highly controversial, and arguably immoral, Marriage Law is a success. A success perhaps if the only issue considered is the number of new marriages. But what of the human cost?" Luna paused and pointed at a line of mostly dour looking couples queued in front of a desk manned by a pair of clearly stressed workers. "Get a picture of the happy soon-to-be newlyweds, Not-Colin."

"I have a name," he grumbled as he started taking photos.

"Yes, most people do. There's a crying bride. Make sure you get a shot of her."

"Yes Ma'am."

Her Self-Writing Quill moved quickly as Luna started talking again. "The Marriage Bureau has made a mockery of the what should be a joyous occasion. A wedding should be a time of celebration, not mourning - there's another weeper, make sure you get her photo - and grief."

"There's a crying groom. You want his photo too? Ooh look - a puking bride. Action shot!"

"It is truly sad when you understand there is guaranteed to be even more misery in the upcoming months. No petition has yet come to term, and that means every bride and groom here today is here at least partly by choice. The Marriage Law has forced them to marry but at least they've been able to choose **who** they marry. _"_

Luna paused and took a deep breath. "What happens when the petitioned run out of choices? Soon we will see ... stop poking me, Not-Colin. I'm on a roll."

"But ..."

"Not now! Where was I? Oh yes, imagine the terror of the poor soul faced with ... hey!" Luna squealed as she was picked up and pointed towards a the couple who were just joining the long line. "Oh, wow. New page. We've just spotted two of Hogwarts' most famous war heroes. Headmistress Minerva McGonagall and Professor Severus Snape, and it looks as though they may be here to ..."

"Blimey! They're gettin' a marriage certificate."

"... yes, that. Hurry, we can't miss an opportunity to document the insidious persecution of two such well-known figures." Luna elbowed her way through the line and stopped breathlessly in front of McGonagall and Snape. "Professors! What a shame to see you driven to this."

"Driven to what?" Snape said, crossing his arms.

"Oh I'm sorry. I know better than to make assumptions. I should ask first. Is the Headmistress saving you from exile by entering into a marriage of convenience with you?"

Snape groaned and covered his eyes with one hand. "Can't I do anything without a Gryffindor audience?"

"Ravenclaw," Luna said, pointing at herself. "Are you feeling alright, sir?"

"Honorary Gryffindor," Snape growled. "That is not a compliment, if you were wondering."

"This is wonderful! May we document your travails? In the interests of educating our readers about what horrors the Ministry is inflicting on innocents."

"No, you may not!"

"Severus," McGonagall chided before smiling gently at Luna. "That's an excellent idea, dear."

Snape scowled. "Why don't you two get the full experience? Hold our place in line, while Minerva and I go get an early lunch."

"That won't be necessary!" said a witch dressed in a frilly white robe who had just run up behind them. She pointed to the badge on her chest. "I'm Emma! Marriage Supervisor! Let me help you personally, Headmistress, Professor! Just come with me to my office and we'll get you sorted right out!"

There were a couple of grumbles from the waiting crowd. "No thank you, we don't need special treatment," McGonagall said smiling nervously at the other couples.

"Yes we do," Snape said. "Come along, 'dear', let's get this over with."

"Such enthusiasm!" the Supervisor squealed. "I am so happy to be part of this most wonderful Ministry initiative!"

"Ministry Officials are really happy to enforce the Marriage Law," Luna dictated.

"Of course we're happy! Isn't everyone? Are you two going to be our witnesses today?"

"We're everyone's witnesses," Luna said.

"Well, that's very nice, dear! But most couples bring their own witnesses!"

"France, Venice, maybe even one of the colonies. It's not too late to leave this den of idiocy," Snape muttered. "You could come with me, Min."

"Don't tempt me," McGonagall said, trailing after the bouncing Ministry official.

**Marriage Supervisor's Office, Several Official Scrolls Read, Cursed, and Signed, Later**

"That's all done then!" Supervisor Emma said jumping up and clapping her hands with delight. "I'll just pop out for a moment and see about clearing a courtroom for your happy event! Ta ta for now!"

"Thirty feet of nonsense," Snape sighed as he flexed his writing hand. "Is it the Ministry or the Lawyers we should go hex?"

"The Ministry alone, I should think," Luna said, skimming through the marriage documents. "I think a legal challenge would overthrow this contract. Although getting the Ministry to allow the case to go to trial might be difficult. I'll have to get a Lawyer to look this over. Or Hermione, that might be faster."

"Not nearly fast enough."

**Courtroom 2, Not Much Later**

"This is nice," McGonagall said looking up at the myriad of white carnations draped all over the normally sedate courtroom. She heard something crunch and looked down to see several rose petals on the carpet. "Very ... festive."

"It's simply smashing," Snape said, stepping carefully to avoid touching any of the horrid flower parts. "I shall have to think of some way to repay the Ministry for this day."

"I'm so glad you like it!" Emma said. She pointed at a rather dour looking man who gave them a half-hearted wave. "This is Judge Brown! He'll be the lucky officiator of your wedding today! Are you sure you only want the two guests? That's all right then. Ooh and the music, do you want the standard Wedding March or something different? We have a very nice selection for you to choose from ..."

Off in the corner the two reporters were watching with avid interest as Snape stood beside McGonagall scowling and clenching one fist behind his back. "He's gonna blow."

"Hmm, maybe we should avoid taking a picture if anyone gets hexed. We don't want the readers sympathizing with the wrong side."

"That is enough!" McGonagall said, stepping forwards and growling at Emma.

"Or she's gonna blow. Go ahead and take a picture. Everyone likes the Headmistress."

"We do not want any fuss," the Headmistress said speaking in a tone every misbehaving first year knew well. "We just want a Marriage Certificate. We. Just. Want. This. To. Be. Over." She took another step forwards and Emma squeaked and stepped back. "Is that clear?"

"Stop stealing my lines, Headmistress," Snape said with a smirk. 'You there, Brown. What do we have to do to finalize this Marriage? Just the necessities, we don't need any of the soppy stuff."

"I've always wanted to do this," Brown said rubbing his hands together happily. "Do you?" He asked looking at McGonagall.

She waited for him to continue but he just beamed at her. McGonagall looked around the room but only met puzzled gazes. She turned back to Judge Brown and frowned. "Do I what?"

He sighed and look up at the ceiling. "Hasn't anyone here seen Spaceballs?"

Everyone in the room looked at each other in confusion.

"Do I look like a patient man?" Snape barked. "Get on with it!"

"Gah pure-bloods," Brown said. Waving one hand dismissively.

"If I was a pure-blood I wouldn't be here," Snape said stepping forwards and snarling.

"Never mind." Brown pointed at McGonagall and Snape. "Do you two want to get married?"

"Why no, this is all an elaborate prank," Snape snapped.

"Just answer yes or no."

"Yes."

"And you, Headmistress?"

"Yes."

"Good. You're married. Kiss the bride. ... Or not. I'll just sign this document here. Congratulations, many happy returns, yadda yadda yadda, we're done."

"Thank Merlin," McGonagall said. "Let's get out of here."

"Not so fast!" Emma barked out. "I will not see the sacred bonds of Marriage made a mockery of! I will have you two up on charges if you do not prove this is a real marriage!"

"It is real," Snape said waving the certificate. "This says so."

"Prove it!"

"Er, how?" McGonagall asked.

"You will kiss the bride!" she said, pointing a shaking finger at Snape. "Tradition demands it! And you had better do it right!"

Judge Brown slipped out the door while everyone was staring at the no longer bubbly Supervisor Emma.

"Voyeuristic Ministry Officials," Luna dictated. "Hmm, make that sexually repressed, Voyeuristic Ministry Officials ..."

"Ministry Official, singular," Not-Colin pointed out. "The other one made a break for it. If we're smart we'll follow him out now."

"Silence!" Emma said and then crossed her arms and glared at the newlyweds. "Well? I am waiting."

"This is ridiculous," McGonagall said before reaching out, grabbing Snape and then placing a quick kiss on his lips.

"Hmph," Emma grumbled.

"I agree with the Ministry Voyeur," Luna said. "That's not too convincing."

Snape glared down at McGonagall. "For future reference - it's not a turn on when someone **grabs me by my ears** _._ "

Emma pursed her lips. "Perhaps," she said slowly. "Mr. Snape should be matched with someone he has more **chemistry** with."

"We have plenty of **chemistry** ," Snape said. "When we don't have an audience."

"Pardon us for not being exhibitionists," McGonagall said coldly.

"Shall we pretend we're alone?" Snape said as he put one hand under McGonagall's chin and lifted her chin up. Her eyes widened before she laughed lightly and put her arms around his neck. Snape looked up and glared once at Emma before his mouth descended on McGonagall's slightly parted lips. After a moment they stopped to take a breath and then locked lips again.

"Oh my," Emma said, fanning herself as McGonagall started nuzzling Snape's neck.

"Way to go, Sir, Ma'am," Luna said. "That's much more convincing. And disturbing. But mostly convincing."

"Can we leave now?" Not-Colin whinged.

Luna smacked him on the head. "You're job is to take pictures. Do your job."

"Well, isn't that lovely," Emma said faintly as Snape's fingers reached around and undid McGonagall's hair ties.

"Please keep your clothes **on** , Sir," Not-Colin cried out while trying to take pictures without looking through the viewfinder.

McGonagall stepped back and lifted an eyebrow at Snape and his robes that were now hanging halfway off one shoulder. She grinned and started to put her hair back up in a bun. "Think that's good enough?"

"It better be," a flushed Snape said as he hastily did up his robes. He turned to Supervisor Emma. "Or will the Ministry wish to witness the consummation as well?"

"Could I?" she blurted out. "I mean, no that won't be necessary. You two are obviously well matched. Ta!"

"I suppose that's it, then," Luna said as Not-Colin snapped a picture as the Ministry Official ran out of the room.

"Not quite," Snape said coming up behind them. "Camera."

"What?"

"Camera," he hissed, holding out a hand. Not-Colin hastily handed it over. Snape dropped it on the floor and then stepped on it while Luna frowned.

Snape cast an _Incendio_ on the smashed camera followed by a _Reducto_. He paused, frowned, and then cast another _Incendio_.

Luna whimpered.

"Don't worry, dear, a good reporter can move people with words not pictures," McGonagall said to her.

"Now it's over," Snape said, nodding with satisfaction as he offered McGonagall his arm.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**The Boys' Flat, Early Sunday Morning, Nov 22**

"Are you going to sleep all day? Get up already," Ron called out at Harry's door. "Hermione and Luna are here with this morning's paper."

"Go 'way," Harry mumbled. "Why are you up, anyway?"

"'Mione brought breakfast."

"What's so important?" Harry asked a few moments later as he stumbled out of his room. Instead of answering Hermione shoved the morning paper at him. He glanced over the front page. "Oh, well, that's Snape's problems sorted then," he said, still sounding half asleep.

"Way to take one for the team, McG.," Ron said. "Do we send congratulations or condolences?"

"Oh she's not suffering," Luna said and then giggled.

"Did you just giggle," Ron said, narrowing his eyes as he stared at her. "You're the one who wrote about how these marriages are disgusting, horrifying, life-destroying tragedies."

"They are," Luna protested. "Even if some couples like McGonagall and Snape can make them work, they still aren't given a **choice** about it."

"You're a few bristles short of a broom if you think those two can make it work," Ron snorted.

Luna crossed her arms and glared. "I'm not daft, you ninny. I had pictures of their first newlywed kiss that would prove just how friendly those two are, but the camera melted."

Ron clapped his hands over his ears and closed his eyes. "Stop talking now, and keep your horrifying hallucinations to yourself."

"Merlin's bloody beard," Harry blurted out. "Luna! How could you?"

"What now?" Ron asked as he cracked one eye open.

"Look at this follow-up article she wrote: 'Who's going to rescue poor Harry?'. I'm not a weak little waif waiting for a princess charming! I'm tough, I'm strong, I beat Voldemort! I don't need rescuing."

"Don't fret about it, mate," Ron said, patting Harry on the shoulder. "Girls like that sensitive crap."

**Hogwarts' Great Hall, Breakfast Monday Nov 23**

Snape stalked into the hall and grimaced as he saw several heads turn in his direction. As he passed the Gryffindor table, Felix Glass jumped up and shook his fist at the Professor. "Gryffindor demands to know what you did to the Headmistress!"

Felix's seatmate dragged him down and clamped a hand over his mouth. "Gryffindor doesn't want to know, we really, really don't."

"Two **hundred** points ..." Snape started to say whirling around to face the Gryffindor table when he was interrupted.

"Hah!" Karl Kruch called out from the Slytherin table. "Gryffindors might be clueless about such things but us Slytherins already **know** what Professor Snape did with the Headmistress! **"**

The whole hall fell silent. Snape narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath. A couple of firsties started to cry.

"Uh," Karl said as he held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "That is to say we don't know what you two **actually** did. I mean, marriage of convenience and all, we're pretty sure you didn't do, uh, anything. Although the Headmistress is kinda ... you know for an older ... Gryffindor ... that is ... I just meant that Slytherins know a lot more about ... er men and women in general ... you know," he stopped and a made a decidedly not-school appropriate gesture.

Snape covered his eyes with one hand. "Right then, Breakfast is over. Mr. Kruch might be expelled. Any student who's still in my sight in thirty seconds will ... not be happy. Go!"

The hall was empty of students when he lowered his hand and walked up to the Head table.

"It will be a quiet meal for once," Snape observed as he slid into his seat. He looked around and scowled. Sinistra whispered something to Hooch who started cackling. "Is there any chance you people can be professional about this?"

"We're always professional," Flitwick said primly. "Will the Headmistress be joining us, today?"

"How would I know?" Snape snapped.

"Ah, didn't want to wake up the missus up. I quite understand, my boy." Flitwick said with a grin, ducking just in time to miss being hit by the fork flung his way by Snape.

"Men," Sinistra said, rolling her eyes. "No appreciation for the how serious this situation is. I've been reading the summery of the contract these poor souls have entered into. Just listen to this: 'The marriage will be considered invalid and potentially fraudulent (in which case substantial penalties and potential criminal charges may be applied (see section IV sub clause c for details)) if the wedded pair fail to produce a child within twenty-four months of the date of the Marriage. Subsequent children should follow in intervals of no less than five years.' Well, that's certainly ... thorough. You two will have to get right on that," she finished with a snort of laughter.

Snape rolled his eyes. "That's not something I have to worry about for another two years."

"You should start worrying in about one year and three months, I should say," Hooch said. "Although you'd best get started a bit earlier due to ...," she coughed, "age issues."

"Enough of this," Snape said, letting his plate hit the table with a soft clang and standing up. "Any more of this nonsense and I'll let **Headmistress McGonagall** know about your abysmal behaviour."

"Ooh, gonna tell on us to the Missus," Flitwick said.

"Do you **really** want me to," Snape asked, looming over his fellow professor who shook his head. "I did not think so. Good day," he growled as he stalked away from the table.

"I remember when people were afraid of me," Snape hissed as he left.

****Hermione's Flat, A.M.L.A Meeting, Tuesday Evening, Jan 12, 1999** **

"I've done it," Hermione said, getting up and dancing around the table. "Either the Marriage Law or the Ministry will be history."

"You mean there's something in that legal rigamarole that can force an election?"

"Better! Way back in 1737 the Wizengamot, then headed by ..."

"Summarize it, 'Mione."

"I was! Oh alright. There's a clause in the original Ministry royal charter that compels every member to work towards a pure magic community."

"Er ... what?"

"Encouraging the mixing of pure-bloods and Muggle-born is against the charter."

"So blood purity is enshrined in our **charter**? Shouldn't we bury that information instead of digging it out?"

Hermione waved a hand dismissively. "Pft, we might as well make that crap work for us."

"I don't see how it helps us," Harry said with a frown. "Can't the government just change anything in the charter they don't like? Or ignore it. Happens all the time, don't it?"

"You're thinking of Muggle politics. This is a **magical** contract. Break it knowingly and 'poof' no more Ministry. Just a lot of independent magical communities subject to only their own laws."

"Are you nuts!? Sure the Ministry's somewhat insane but I really don't want every Mayor out there running their own little kingdom," Harry exclaimed.

"Don't be a worry-wart. That won't happen. The Ministry's bound to give up when they realize their cushy jobs are on the line. They'll backpedal and get rid of the Marriage Law and all will be well."

"There's no way it'll be that easy. It's **never** that easy," Ron groaned.

****A.M.L.A End of the Marriage Law Party, Hogwarts' Great Hall, Saturday, Feb 20** **

"I can't believe it was that easy," Ron said looking over the exuberant crowd.

Hermione cocked her head. "Are you complaining?"

"Hell, no," Ron answered as he dragged her onto the dance floor.

Harry dodged a few persistent witches who tried to get him to dance and made his way across the floor to where an animated Luna had Minister Shacklebolt cornered by the buffet table. He dropped an arm across her shoulders. "I thought we agreed no working tonight?"

"I'm not working," she protested. "Just talking with Minister Shacklebolt and he's had the most fascinating things to say about working in the Ministry. How did he put it? 'I'm surrounded by idiots, incompetents and idiot incompetents'. It will make a lovely headline."

"Luna!" Harry said. "You can't quote that."

"Oh she can quote me," Shacklebolt said as he downed half a glass of wine. "I am never, ever standing for election again. You have no idea how many heads I had to knock together to get them to agree on easy annulments for the Marriage Law victims."

"Speaking of which," McGonagall said, as she came up and took away Shacklebolt's glass. "Perhaps we should get on with the official untying of the knots? Before our Minister gets too unsteady on his feet."

"Yes, Ma'am," Shacklebolt grumbled as he headed towards the front table laid out with several official scrolls. "And now," Shacklebolt declared after McGonagall had quieted the crowds down. "It gives me great pleasure to hand out these formal declarations of annulment for those victims of the Marriage Law who do not want to stay married."

There was a cheer as each couple went up in turn the podium and were officially declared single.

"And finally," Shacklebolt called out. "Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape, I now pronounce you ... never married!"

"Hah! Told you they'd get an annulment," Ron gleefully called out. "That's twenty Galleons you owe me Harry, pay up!"

"Sod it all," Harry grumbled, counting out the money.

"Potter!" Snape yelled. "Were you making bets on my **personal life**?"

Harry paused as he passed over twenty Galleons to Ron. "Uh, no sir."

"Of all things to bet on," Hermione said, glaring at Ron after the Minister had departed and the party was beginning to disperse.

"Aw, come on 'Mione. Harry said he would bet that McGonagall and Snape stay married, how could I pass it up? It was a sure thing!"

"They sure looked like they were getting along," Harry grumbled.

"There's getting along and there's," Ron paused to waggle his eyebrows before continuing, " **getting along**."

"Oh, they're getting along in every meaning of the phrase," Luna said, pointing to the couple currently half hidden in a dark corner. "Really well, seeing as they've been snogging for the last half hour."

"They are not," Ron said before looking over and then he made a little gurgling sound. "Cripes, they are."

"That Ministry Marriage was a sham," Luna said with a wide grin. "Want to bet they get married for real after the excitement dies down? Or maybe they'll just shack up together."

"Goddammit," Harry said before holding out his hand to Ron. "Gimme my money back!."

"Mr. Potter!" McGonagall called out, pulling away from Snape for a moment. "Did you or did you not place a bet with Mr. Weasley that Severus and I would still be married by the end of today?"

Harry looked down at his feet. "Yes, Ma'am."

"And are we in fact, married?" Snape asked.

Harry sighed. "No, Sir, not now, but if later ..."

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall chided. "You lost, be gracious and accept it."

"It's a shame that Weasley won, though," Snape said with a smirk as he pulled McGonagall back towards him.

"I'm the real winner," McGonagall whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted at FF.net


End file.
